


do you know my heart? (i can't be without you)

by lyricistjihoon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst Free Zone, Bedsharing, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, jihoon yearns, lots of talking, mentioned Jihancheol, mentioned verkwan, trust and communication are important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26145466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricistjihoon/pseuds/lyricistjihoon
Summary: Jihoon stares at the thermos for a moment before he looks at Seokmin, suddenly reminded of the thing he has quietly been trying to put off his mind for a while now.(The thing being, of course, that though he is not sure when it started, he definitely likes Seokmin, really likes him, likes him with sweet feelings that make his fingers feel sticky and his hands nervous, likes him with harmless daydreams that sometimes keep him awake at night, likes him with sugary syrup feelings make him think of Seokmin while he listens to certain songs, likes him with feelings of tender yearning that will surely soon drive him to write songs about Seokmin, like likes him.)
Relationships: Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Lee Seokmin | DK
Comments: 15
Kudos: 82





	do you know my heart? (i can't be without you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is simply my very long excuse to write seokhoon pining and falling in love.
> 
> shout-out to [abby](https://twitter.com/onelasttae) not only for suggesting i write a fic around jihoon calling seokmin during Dokyeom's Late Night Bookstore that completely spiraled out of control but also for being the best supporter and listening to all of my bullshit rants while i worked on this fic.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i took real life content and events that i either exaggerated, read into too much, or took some creative liberties with for the sake of the fic, but this is still just fiction and something i wrote just for fun! also, i know next to nothing about making music or the ins and outs of idol life, but i did my best.
> 
> title from Seventeen's "Oh my!" of course.

**2017  
** **  
**“Hyung,” Seokmin says when he finds Jihoon.  
  
Because they have a full schedule tomorrow and a vocal unit broadcast for VLive’s Orgel Live, Jihoon is working from their dorm tonight in an attempt to keep himself from staying up too late.  
  
At the sound of Seokmin’s voice, he lifts his eyes away from the screen of his laptop to look at him. Seokmin is already dressed for bed, the tips of his hair still slightly wet and clinging to the nap of his neck from his shower. He smiles easily when their eyes meet, “What are you doing?”  
  
“Backing up some files so I can download them to my phone,” Jihoon responds easily, briefly looks at his screen again to monitor the progress, “just in case I want to work on them while we’re on schedule. Did you need something?”  
  
“No,” Seokmin hums as he shakes his head, “just wanted to check on you before bed. Shua-hyung says Jeonghan-hyung is pretty nervous about tomorrow, wanted to see how you were doing.”  
  
Jihoon jerks his head to the side and purses his lips as he thinks about it. He knew beforehand that he’d be doing a solo for the broadcast and prepared a new arrangement for it, at Jeonghan’s request, but _nervous_ isn’t the word he’d use.  
  
“I’m not nervous. Are you and Seungkwanie nervous?”  
  
“I always get a little nervous before performances, but I feel okay,” Seokmin says with a nod and another faint smile, “Seungkwan keeps doing vocal runs around the room and singing in the middle of sentences, he’ll be fine.”  
  
Jihoon laughs at that, just slightly, and shakes his head. “That’s good. I don’t think I’m nervous, but I’m a little worried,” he says, maybe more for himself than for Seokmin, distracted between his screen, his thoughts about tomorrow, and Seokmin’s words. “I worked hard preparing _Simple_ , so I think my voice isn’t really in good condition. I’m just worried I won’t be able to do as well as I usually could.”  
  
“Ah, that’s right. Hyung, I’m sorry” Seokmin says, tone sympathetic and understanding. When Jihoon looks at him again, his eyebrows are furrowed together and his lips are pulled in a tight line, concerned.  
  
“It’s okay, I didn’t mean to worry you about it. It is what it is,” he says, shrugging.  
  
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Seokmin reassures, “but don’t forget to turn the humidifier on tonight.”  
  
Jihoon nods in response and Seokmin only lingers for a moment longer to wish him good night before he disappears back to his part of the dorm. He figures that is the end of that and doesn’t think much more of it other than to make a note to follow Seokmin’s advice, but a few minutes later, he catches movement from his peripheral and glances up to see Seokmin walking over to him again.  
  
“Oh,” Jihoon starts, “I thought you were going to bed.”  
  
“I will in a little bit,” Seokmin agrees, nodding. He doesn’t quite meet Jihoon’s eyes anymore, but he still watches as Seokmin sets a black thermos down beside Jihoon’s laptop. “You don’t have to drink it right now if you don’t want to, it should keep warm until tomorrow but, um. It’s what I usually have when I want to take care of my voice,” he pauses for a moment to swallow, “it’s green tea with honey and lemon. For your throat,” he adds, just in case that wasn’t clear, then raises his hand to his throat and leaves it there as if forgotten.  
  
Jihoon stares at the thermos for a moment before he looks at Seokmin, suddenly reminded of the thing he has quietly been trying to put off his mind for a while now.  
  
(The thing being, of course, that though he is not sure when it started, he definitely likes Seokmin, really likes him, likes him with sweet feelings that make his fingers feel sticky and his hands nervous, likes him with harmless daydreams that sometimes keep him awake at night, likes him with sugary syrup feelings make him think of Seokmin while he listens to certain songs, likes him with feelings of tender yearning that will surely soon drive him to write songs about Seokmin, _like_ likes him.)  
  
“You didn’t have to do that,” Jihoon says before he can stop himself, though he is not sure what else to say.  
  
“I know,” Seokmin answers quickly, eyes just a little wider now as he rubs the back of his neck, “I just, um. I wanted to. You don’t have to drink it, but I think it might help.”  
  
“No, I’ll drink it,” Jihoon assures him with a firmer voice as he takes the thermos and holds it against his stomach. He doesn’t want Seokmin to think he doesn’t appreciate this, because he does, even if he isn’t able to voice it properly. “Thanks, Dokyeom-ah, really.”  
  
Some sort of tension seems to fade away from him because Seokmin’s shoulders drop then, before he nods and smiles again, more relaxed than before.  
  
“It was no problem. I hope it helps. Good night, hyung,” he says.  
  
“Good night. Sleep well, Dokyeom-ah,” Jihoon says before Seokmin leaves.  
  
He opens the lid on the thermos just to let out some of the heat and make sure it’s not too hot before he drinks it, but the smell of green tea leaves and lemon comes wafting out and he breathes it in, feels his lungs expanding and his skin warm up.  
  
Jihoon shoves his laptop forward with the heel of his hand so he can rest his elbows on the table and his face in the palms of his hands.  
  
He thinks of Seokmin putting off sleep just to make Jihoon tea because he expressed a minor concern over his voice and it makes his heart grow about three sizes in his chest, makes him so overcome with fondness, he feels like he might burst. He pictures Seokmin maybe scrolling through his phone while he waits for the water to boil, maybe getting lost in thought while he seeps the tea, and his overgrown heart turns frail and weak in his chest.  
  
It’s a very kind thing to do, a very _Seokmin_ thing to do. Jihoon knows he would probably do the same for any of the other members, might even do it for a nice grandmother just because she asked, but the fact that he did for _Jihoon_ just about makes him want to wrap his heart in a gift box and leave it at Seokmin’s door.  
  
He doesn’t know if it’s the steam from the tea making his face feel so warm, but he also doesn’t think it matters if he’s so aware of it.  
  
Jihoon has just been _so good_ , he really has been. He hasn’t let the fear of having feelings for one of his members make him draw into himself and away from the others, from Seokmin, because their relationship as a group and Jihoon’s friendship with Seokmin are too important to him. He hasn’t tried to have his feelings noticed in any way and he’s kept it out of his mind enough to maintain the flow of work he has built up to, but this, these little things that Seokmin does sometimes make him want in equal parts to hide away from everyone in his studio, and also forget all of it and bury his face in the skin of Seokmin’s neck, wrap his arms around his torso and offer up his own heart if that’s what Seokmin wants.  
  
At the very least, he does save some of the tea to share with Seokmin right before their broadcast the next day and ignores Jeonghan when he asks why he didn’t get any of Seokmin’s tea or why Jihoon didn’t save any to share with him. Jihoon is partly too embarrassed to answer him but mostly too distracted by the way Seokmin grins at him when Jihoon offers him the rest of the tea, grins so warm and bright it goes all the way up to his eyes and makes Jihoon feel stunned and breathless.  
  
And still, he keeps being good after that, right up until when he slips for the first time and realizes he might have it worse than he first thought.  
  
The first slip up he makes is during their Orgel Live, of all times; Seungkwan asks him to sing a piece of _Downpour_ and somewhere in the process of trying to remember the melody, Jihoon’s mind quietly found its way to Seokmin again and left him hanging out in the back of his head. He doesn’t think about it when he starts singing and looks at Seokmin, and maybe he could have taken it back if he looked away quickly enough, but Seokmin is looking at him too and the idea flies right out of Jihoon’s head. He didn’t write this song about Seokmin or even while thinking of Seokmin, but he thinks he might always remember this moment whenever he hears the song now, this charged feeling in his chest, the way he feels tethered to Seokmin, called to by his mere gaze.  
  
It’s the boys cheering and the sound of their voices that finally draws Jihoon away. He looks down at his feet, nervous and slightly panicked as he wonders if anyone else noticed that.  
  
“Dokyeomie, watch out! Honey!” Jeonghan says jokingly, Seungkwan and Joshua following after him and confirming Jihoon’s worries. He catches Seokmin moving and looks up to watch him mime eating honey off the floor, spilled from Jihoon’s voice. It’s so silly it makes some of Jihoon’s nerves fade away, makes him laugh again, but the moment stays with him for the rest of the broadcast, and a long while after that, keeps him aware of the realization that there might not be any going back from this for him, only further and deeper in.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
With their next mini album coming out in a few months, the members are kept busy for weeks.  
  
At this point, they’ve chosen the songs they want on the album and recording is nearly finished, so Jihoon doesn’t feel as stressed as he was a few weeks ago. They still have the concept trailers to film, one for each member, as well as the music video for the title track, which they’re traveling for.  
  
All the films will keep them busy for a few days, but for now, they spend most of their time in their practice room, working on the two choreos they still need to perfect. They’ve been steadily at this for long enough that Jihoon doesn’t worry about the performance part of their careers, he knows they’ll do well the more they practice.  
  
They put in a few consecutive hours before they take a break to breathe, drink water, and sit down for a while.  
  
Jihoon drags his feet towards the back of the room so he can sit with his back against the wall and stretch his legs out in front of him. He looks up and watches Wonwoo wander to the other side of the room, lay down on his back, and stretch his limbs out like a starfish. Seungcheol joins him, but settles for sitting beside him cross-legged. In the center of the room, Mingyu and Jisoo stay locked in casual conversation Jihoon can’t hear from where he’s sitting.  
  
“Woozi-hyung,” Jihoon hears and looks beside him to see Seokmin walking towards him. “I’m sitting beside you,” he tells Jihoon, already bending at the knees and settling down at Jihoon’s side, but Jihoon still nods in acceptance.  
  
They sit in silence for a moment, until Soekmin slouches and lets his head drop on Jihoon’s shoulder with a deep sigh.  
  
“Sweaty,” Jihoon complains, and whether he means Seokmin or himself doesn’t matter either way at this point.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says as Jeonghan walks over to them and sits beside Jihoon as well, “please allow it just this once, okay?”  
  
Jihoon thinks about shoving his head off just to save face, and he knows Seokmin wouldn’t be hurt or offended if he did, but a warm feeling resembling something akin to fondness or endearment stops him. He takes a sip of his water and lets Seokmin rest against his shoulder without another word.  
  
“Cute,” Jeonghan says quietly from beside them, and Jihoon lets that slide too, because he’s tired, and because he knows Jeonghan doesn’t mean it in a way that’s teasing. “Look at those two,” Jeonghan says quickly after. Jihoon glances at him to see where he’s gesturing at and then finds Mingyu wiggling on the floor as Jisoo stands beside him giving him orders.  
  
“Why are you raising your legs so much?” Jisoo demands, even as he’s laughing.  
  
“Hyung, what are you doing?” Chan asks from where he’s sitting against the mirror and also watching Mingyu and Jisoo.  
  
“Shua-hyungs teaching me how to do the worm,” Mingyu answers. “And I’m not! I can’t help it.”  
  
“I think he’s too long,” Seokmin says through a laugh and Jeonghan huffs out a sound of laughter as well.  
  
“Selfish guy,” Jihoon mutters. Seokmin shifts his head to look up at Jihoon and the grin on his face cracks Jihoon enough to join the rest of them in laughing at Minyu’s pitiful attempts.  
  
“You need to curve your torso more,” Seungcheol calls from his spot beside Wonwoo, who is sitting up to watch as well now.  
  
“Why don’t you come over here and do it yourself?” Mingyu shouts back, already starting to raise his voice, and that makes Jihoon laugh a little harder. Seungcheol immediately drops to lay on his back.  
  
“This needs video footage,” Seungkwan adds in as he grabs his phone from where he left it beside his water bottle and quickly starts recording, Hansol watching through the screen of Seungkwan’s phone. “Evidence there are things even Kim Mingyu can’t do.”  
  
Mingyu doesn’t seem to mind being recorded, though, doesn’t let Seungkwan deter his efforts that are going nowhere. He keeps flapping his arms too much and the way he stretches his neck forward makes him look like a duck coming out of the water. He looks ridiculous even to Jihoon, who’s laughing so hard he has to lean against Seokmin now, too.  
  
“Wait, I got it, hold on,” Soonyoung says as he closes his water bottle and comes to join them in the middle of the room. He drops to the floor on his belly, lifts his hips, and pushes himself forward, closely resembling an earthworm digging through the mud.  
  
“Stop, stop!” Minghao shouts as he covers his eyes with one hand, Junhui laughing where he’s sitting beside him.  
  
It works like magic and immediately changes the air in the practice room, takes away the tension of thirteen sweaty guys dancing for hours and watching their own expression in the mirror and exchanges it with something light and warm, a familiar carelessness that sits comfortably in Jihoon’s heart and makes him feel content with what he has. **  
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**A few days later, the light sound of a gentle knock against his studio door makes Jihoon pause and turn around in time to see Seokmin step into the room before closing the door behind him. Jihoon doesn’t look at him much, only enough to notice the striped button up and black cap he’s wearing, the plastic bag in his hand, and the way he smiles when he catches Jihoon’s eye, soft and sweet. Jihoon turns his head again, fixes his gaze on his monitor screen.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says, his voice quiet and calm as if trying to avoid disrupting the atmosphere around Jihoon’s work area, “you’re working hard. How long have you been here?”  
  
“Um,” Jihoon pauses, wrapped up in reading over something he wrote a few nights ago that doesn’t seem to make as much sense to him now as it did then, before he can answer Seokmin. “I’m not sure, what time is it? I came in a few hours after I woke up this morning.”  
  
“Have you only been working? Did you eat?” Seokmin asks. Jihoon can hear the quiet brush of his bare feet against the floor, can feel him come up to stand behind his chair.  
  
“This morning,” he answers quietly, “took a break after a few hours, scrolled on my phone and closed my eyes for a little. Had coffee afterwards.”  
  
“You should eat. I brought you something, should I set it down on the table?”  
  
Something about that makes the white noise blur of thoughts in Jihoon’s mind halt, and he swivels his chair around to look at Seokmin properly. There’s a flush high on his cheeks, small dewy red apples under his golden skin, and a permanent turn to the corner of his mouth that goes well with the light shining in his eyes.  
  
“Did you go out today? You look like you’ve been out,” Jihoon asks. His words make Seokmin brighten up more than he already was, his faint smile turning into a grin and his eyes disappearing into his cheeks.  
  
“I went out for a walk today. The weather is really nice, did you realize it was spring? And I met with Seungkwanie to eat. Did you get the VLive notification? I did a live today.”  
  
Jihoon reaches for his phone at the corner of his desk and taps around his screen, scrolls through a couple of text message and email notifications, then shakes his head as he looks at Seokmin again. “I didn’t get the notification.”  
  
“That’s okay,” Seokmin says and he doesn’t laugh but something about his body language makes Jihoon think he could be laughing. “I talked about you a little, because I was thinking of how hard you and Bumzu-hyung are working on music, so I thought of you while I was out with Seungkwan and I thought you might like some food from the kimchi place we went to,” as he talks, Seokmin jerks his wrist a little and the action draws Jihoon’s attention down to the bag in his hand again, finally realizing it’s for him.  
  
Something blooms in his chest; Jihoon can feel the way it sprouts and unwraps from itself, the way it takes up space, impossible to ignore. Stupidly, he feels touched and fond. It’s not like it’s the first time someone has done something like this for him. The members bring takeout for each other all the time, though they usually ask beforehand.  
  
He thinks it would sound stupud if he did but Jihoon has the sudden urge to ask Seokmin if he brought food for anyone else as well. _I thought of you while I was out with Seungkwan_ makes it sound like Jihoon was the only one Seokmin considered, like he gets special treatment and a special place in Seokmin’s mind that makes him want to bring Jihoon take out when Seokmin thinks he hasn’t had anything to eat yet.  
  
 _Just me? And how often do you think of me, would you say? Only whenever you see me? Once a day? A few times during the day? Specifics would be appreciated._ No, it sounds stupid, he doesn’t have to hear it aloud to know it’s stupid, he can’t say that. Instead, what he says is,  
  
“Thank you,” and he’s not sure it’s any better, but he is sure it doesn’t make him sound like his heart is stitched to the inside of his sleeve. “Um, yeah, you can put it on the table, if you want.”  
  
Seokmin grins again and it makes Jihoon’s heart do funny little flips in his chest. He watches Seokmin place the bag down on the table and for a moment Jihoon thinks that will be that and Seokmin will leave and Jihoon will be alone with his embarrassing heart and his pitiful thoughts.  
  
Instead, Seokmin unties the handles of the bag and starts taking out small containers of food, some that he sets beside him on the table, and others that he places in front of himself. While he takes out two sets of chopsticks and sets them down between the containers, he talks about some strawberry drink he had during his walk, but Jihoon is having a hard time listening.  
  
“Are you staying?” Jihoon asks, interrupting whatever Seokmin was saying. He turns to look at Jihoon with adorably round eyes and a gaping mouth. His expression suddenly looks pitifully helpless and it makes something jolt with panic in Jihoon.  
  
“I was going to?” Seokmin says, phrasing it more like a question. “Is that okay? I know you don’t usually like to eat by yourself, so I thought I’d bring my leftovers and eat with you,” his voice trails off towards the end, unsure and seemingly nervous.  
  
It’s odd, Jihoon thinks, to have this sort of awkward, flustered situation with Seokmin. Being friends with Seokmin has always come easy to him. Seokmin has an overwhelmingly, unbelievably kind disposition; he exudes niceness as easy as other people breathe and it’s something that has probably made him one of the easiest members for Jihoon to befriend, after Seungcheol.  
  
They’re all close, closer than family most times, but Jihoon thinks Seokmin is one of the members he has always been particularly close to, feels an easy camaraderie between them. Seokmin never pushes, only takes as much as he’s been given, and something about his kindness makes him wonderfully understanding. He never accuses Jihoon of being too quiet. Seokmin comes into his studio a lot, and sometimes he is perfectly content with sitting in silence with Jihoon while he works on music. In turn, Jihoon has made the effort to understand Seokmin as well. It’s rare and, at this point in their friendship, almost unheard that they stumble and stutter around each other.  
  
Jihoon feels a hint of guilt, conscious that his doubt and prodding is the only thing causing the shift between them at the moment, but he also has an even bigger feeling of warmth and fondness than he had before at Seokmin’s gentle acts of thoughtfulness. It’s true that Jihoon doesn’t like to eat by himself, and it’s sweet that Seokmin remembered that and took it into consideration for him.  
  
Jihoon’s face feels warm and there is a thin, frail feeling in his chest, something that could crack and shatter into small shard-like stars of glass if not treated carefully, kindly.  
  
“Yeah, that’s okay,” Jihoon says finally, nods as he stands from his chair and moves to sit beside Seokmin on the couch in his studio. He can feel Seokmin’s eyes on him as he moves, and as he sits down and looks at him, Seokmin is once again grinning brightly, all the way up to his eyes. He turns away from Jihoon, continues unpacking and opening plastic containers. He goes as far as separating both of their chopsticks, and Jihoon watches him the whole time, can feel the warmth dripping off his own expression, thinks if someone walked in and saw the look on his face, the way he was looking at Seokmin, they would know everything in an instant.  
  
“Dokyeom-ah,” Jihoon says despite himself, not surprised to find his voice pitched low and soft, probably dripping fondness. “Thank you for thinking of me.”  
  
Seokmin turns his head and meets Jihoon’s eyes. A moment passes between them, something quiet and lulled, something like a curtain being drawn, letting the light in. There is a soft smile on Seokmin’s lips, the kind Jihoon thinks is permanently present on his face, that stretches into a gentler version of his sunshine grin, the sun just barely peeking through the windows in the morning, a kinder, more tender heat, and Jihoon’s heart stops, just for a moment or two.  
  
“You’re welcome, hyung” Seokmin says as he hands Jihoon his chopsticks, voice almost as soft as Jihoon’s had been.  
  
They eat and chit-chat comfortably between each other, Seokmin offering Jihoon from his food and taking from Jihoon’s containers when Jihoon gestures for him to. Seokmin tells Jihoon about his walk, about the nice weather and how glad he is that spring is here, how embarrassed he felt when people stopped to stare at him while he was doing the livestream and it’s so pleasant and comfortable that Jihoon can’t help the way he laughs a little louder than is probably merited at Seokmin’s stories and the small comments he adds, or the way he leans against Seokmin while he laughs, how much closer to each other they end up sitting. Jihoon only faintly wonders if Seokmin has noticed it, but neither of them make an effort to amend it. The more Seokmin talks, the more Jihoon can feel himself relaxing, the tension from working gradually dissipating and coming off his shoulders in waves.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says later, after they’re done eating and Jihoon stands to throw their trash away, already starting to mentally prepare himself for a few more hours working in front of the computer. “Is it okay if I stay here with you for another while?”  
  
Jihoon’s blood feels like honey left out in the sun.  
  
“Yeah,” he says, “if you want, I’m just gonna be working some more, though.”  
  
“I’ll be quiet,” Seokmin says with a smile as he sits back on the couch, making himself comfortable and taking out his phone and earbuds. He’s not looking at him anymore, but Jihoon still smiles and nods before moving to sit down at his desk again, chest warm and tight and stomach full of fluttery feelings he would never admit to. **  
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**There is a particular sort of silence that comes with a night that has grown deep and long. It stretches on until the night seems endless, a silence that swallows the sound of other people’s breathing and makes one feel like the only person in the whole world who is awake.  
  
It is a silence that has settled deep into Jihoon’s bones tonight. He genuinely feels like the only one out of thirteen members who is awake, though he could never be sure of it, of course. One would think that no, of course not, there must be someone else that is having trouble sleeping just like Jihoon, maybe someone scrolling through their phone or reading by a small light. Jihoon can’t for sure, but he feels individually solitary tonight and thinks that, even if there were other members awake, none of them could be sleepless in the way that he is, with a busy mind and a restless heart.  
  
At the very least, Jeonghan is asleep in the bunk to the side of Jihoon’s, has been asleep since one in the morning.  
  
He has tossed and turned in bed for what he knows is hours, because he’s checked the time on his phone often enough to see the time flicker from a quarter till three in the morning to half past three to fifteen past four in the morning, has tried different positions that might make him comfortable enough to fall asleep with no success. A while ago he began to doubt whether he ever knew what being tired felt like.  
  
For a moment, he had a line for a song running through his head that wouldn't leave him alone until he wrote it down in his phone. It was something about a tree deep in the forest, something Jihoon didn’t think he’d use, but there was never any harm in writing it down just in case.  
  
A moment after that, he thought maybe the rational thing to do would be work on music, even if he did it from their dorm and his laptop, to make good use of the time he would spend awake anyway. The more he thought of it, though, the more impossible it seemed that he’d get out of bed. He’d have to climb down the steps of his bunk bed and quietly slip out of their room, walk all the way to the kitchen and work in the darkness, and it all suddenly seemed so daunting to Jihoon. He probably wouldn’t be able to get anything done properly, with how much he was struggling to focus on one thing.  
  
After that, his thoughts drifted off to more mindless, mundane things. He remembered he took his Seventeen ring off when he did the dishes that night and needed to put it back on in the morning, remembered he had left an empty bottle of soda on his desk at the studio and needed to throw it away the next time he was in there, which reminded him that he needed to take out the trash from the bin in his studio because it had gotten a little full since the other night when Seokmin brought him food and they ate together and well, that had made him think of Seokmin, of course. He started thinking about Seokmin a long while ago, and has stayed with his thoughts stuck there for longer than he would ever like to admit aloud to anyone.  
  
In the silence of the long night slowly growing into dawn, Jihoon has been wondering how long he has liked Seokmin for, because he doesn’t think he always has, not the way he likes him now.  
  
Jihoon has heard people talk about how good it is to like someone you were friends with first, but being in the circumstance himself, Jihoon doesn’t think he agrees. They’re all close, all the members, all handsy with each other even when Jihoon doesn’t necessarily want them to be, and it blurs a certain line with affection. Seokmin putting an arm around him is nothing new at all, but the way Jihoon feels about it (or about the way he feels about Seokmin runnning his hand down the length of Jihoon’s back, or how he nudges their shoulders together when they both laugh at the same thing, or how their hands brush together sometimes when they stand next to each other or when they hand each other something) definitely is.  
  
He feels charged whenever Seokmin touches him, like electricity going through his bones that makes him come alight. Seokmin touches his shoulder and Jihoon turns into a flower, swaying in the breeze of Seokmin’s affections. He places a hand on Jihoon’s elbow to guide him as they walk and something too warm and possessive comes aflame in Jihoon’s belly and leaves him slightly flustered and unfocused.  
  
The way Seokmin touches him casually, familiarly isn’t the only problem, either. He often finds himself crumbling at mere looks now, too. Seokmin looks at Jihoon so warmly sometimes, so kind and fond that it makes Jihoon’s heart just about stop and restart in his chest and he comes away from the experience a new man and he’s sure this is the way Seokmin has always looked at him, but it’s different now, the way he feels is different, and Jihoon doesn’t know what to do with that.  
  
He thinks he has always been fond of Seokmin’s smile, because it’s impossible not to be, but somehow having it directed at him carries with it a different force now. Seokmin smiles in his direction and Jihoon feels blown away on the spot, stunned and frozen, like the breath has been taken from right out of his lungs. Jihoon gets to personally see Seokmin smile all the time, and he still thinks he’d probably do just about anything to have Seokmin smile at him in that way always.  
  
Being around and with Seokmin has always been easy, effortless, comfortable, but it now comes with the feeling of something fluttering and flipping around in his stomach, a nervousness that Jihoon can’t calm, a fondness so deep it comes off him in waves of warmth, and he’s sure he’s being so obvious. It comes with embarrassing doubts Jihoon could never say aloud, wondering whether the ways in which Seokmin touches and looks and talks to him are normal and familiar, or if there is even the slightest possibility Seokmin might feel an ounce of what Jihoon feels.  
  
Jihoon has been trying to remember the moment something shifted in him, the moment he started to feel differently, like trying to pinpoint a small city in a world map with a pin. It’s an idle curiosity, an attempt at making sense of all the feelings that keep him awake at night, distracting him with memories of Seokmin’s laughter, but if he’s honest, it wouldn’t change anything. He thinks the real problem is the way he missed that it has always been building up to this and that his feelings for Seokmin were probably always inevitable. He didn’t wake up one morning a different person who could like Seokmin, and Seokmin didn’t suddenly become a person whom Jihoon could like. They are each still themselves and sooner or later, Jihoon would have ended up exactly where he is now.  
  
The truth is, Seokmin would always have a gravitational pull that drew Jihoon in, kept him close and tethered, and all that Jihoon needed was the time to see and understand that.  
  
He likes Seokmin and what is worse is that he _knows_ Seokmin, knows him so well, knows him well enough to know exactly what he has to say to get him to eat with Jihoon at four in the morning and that if he touches the hair at the back of his neck, Seokmin won’t react but he will lean into the touch, and that only makes Jihoon like him more.  
  
Dully, he wonders if this is what it always feels like to like someone, this endless yearning and honey dripping from the corners of his mouth every time he sees Seokmin, these sleepless nights going circles around conversations they’ve had and moments they’ve shared alone together. For an insane moment, Jihoon thinks about telling someone about it. He has an image of talking to Seungkwan about his feelings flash through the forefront of his mind and immediately recoils from it. It might be a better idea to talk to Hansol about it, actually, if that’s the pair he’s going to go for, but Jihoon knows that would only make both of them stupidly embarrassed, and no one wants that.  
  
Jihoon doesn’t even want to touch the Seungcheol-Jeonghan-Jisoo zone with a ten foot pole, for now. He’s been really good about pretending he’s oblivious to the fact that the way Jeonghan and Jisoo look at each other is the same way they look at Seungcheol, and that despite all of Seungcheol’s whining, he’s clearly wrapped around both Jeonghan and Jisoo’s pinky fingers. In fact, they’ve _all_ been really good at pretending they haven’t noticed it.  
  
They’re all hyungs Jihoon trusts in and respects, but he’s worried that if he tried to talk to any of them, they would try to relate his situation to their own, and Jihoon isn’t confident he can sit through that with a straight face yet.  
  
If he’s being honest with himself, the only person he really wants to tell about his feelings for Seokmin are Seokmin himself, and isn’t that the whole point of it anyway? To share your feelings with the person you like? He knows Seokmin would be so understanding, kind and open to communication, whether the feelings were mutual or not, he would be so happy to sit with Jihoon and talk about it if that’s what Jihoon needed.  
  
Jihoon lingers on that for a moment, on the possibilities lying in that idea. He thinks about telling Seokmin, telling him about how his insides feel like melted candy when Seokmin looks at him a certain way, and how he’s so far gone he’s ready to give Seokmin anything he asks for, and how he just wants to hold Seokmin so close against him that he’d feel him in the spaces between the bones of his ribcage and against the tiny bones in his wrists.  
  
He wonders if Seokmin would be glad to hear it, imagines him smiling and glowing and how he’d look at Jihoon in that soft way he looks at him sometimes during quiet mornings or when they run into each other late at night in the dorm.  
  
Sometimes, Jihoon lets himself think further than that. They would figure it out, if it ever came to that, if it were ever even a possibility, and they would go on from there. Sometimes it’s hard to picture and he thinks nothing would change much, that they would act the same way they do now, the way they act with any of the other members, only they would both _know_ and maybe that’s all the difference that matters.  
  
Other times, he thinks things would shift, the same way a feeling shifted in him without him noticing it, subtly, gradually, slow and easy and comfortable. He’d learn about Seokmin in a way that would be different than how he has learned about Seokmin until now, in a way no one else would get to learn about him except for Jihoon: tenderly, intimately, quietly.  
  
He would store all the new pieces of knowledge away in his heart, stitched into the tissue for safekeeping so he’ll never lose or forget any of it. He’d learn about the way the curve of Seokmin’s smile would feel against his own mouth, the feeling of Seokmin’s bare skin under the pads of his fingers, Seokmin’s hands in his hair, the details of the things he says when he talks in his sleep. He’d learn about the feeling of Seokmin’s breath against the back of Jihoon’s neck while they sleep in the same bed, the way his voice sounds pressed against his neck in the middle of the night or just as the sun is rising and he’d treasure it all away in a secret place only for himself.  
  
Sometimes, like tonight, thinking about the tender and intimate things makes Jihoon flushed and warm and, worst of all, frustrated and hopeless. It’s easy to think about it in the dead of night, but it also makes it seem like a farway, unreachable thing, a vague idea he came up with in his head. If he goes on too far for too long, Seokmin becomes something _too_ good, more good than Jihoon thinks he deserves, inhumanly good, instead of the nice, sweet, wonderfully complex Seokmin whom Jihoon knows and so helplessly likes.  
  
Jihoon sighs quietly and reaches under his pillow for his phone and when he sees the time reads closer to five in the morning now, he huffs out a frustrated breath and rolls over in bed, buries his face in his pillow until he can’t breathe and has to turns his face on its side.  
  
Some time later, Jihoon does manage to go to sleep, and he drifts off knowing that when he wakes, he will remember that the last thing he thought about before he fell asleep was the way his name sounded from Seokmin’s mouth and in his smooth tone of voice.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Their first world tour starts in the summer of that year.  
  
They landed in Chicago that morning for the american leg, where they’re doing one night before flying to Dallas for another, then up to Toronto before coming back for another night in New York.  
  
They’ve traveled a lot during their careers so far, but even with only being halfway through this tour, Jihoon feels like this is the most flying they’ve done. It’s fun to travel with all the members and get to see new places together, try new things together (one of the first things they did after arriving at their hotel was go out for Chicago pizza together), but the jetlag and the different time zones are still killer on the body. They flew to Chicago from Hong Kong and even though it’s past nine at night and Jihoon is tired, he still oddly feels like he should be up doing something.  
  
He ends up going to the gym to burn off some energy, spends about an hour there before he comes back to his and Wonwoo’s hotel room to shower.  
  
“Did you go work out by yourself?” Wonwoo asks once he steps out of the bathroom and still in the middle of toweling his hair dry.  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon responds, “I decided to go on a whim so I didn’t really think about asking anyone else.”  
  
“I’ll go with you next time,” Wonwoo offers and Jihoon meets his eyes when he nods so Wonwoo knows he appreciates the gesture.  
  
“Do we have ice, by any chance?” Jihoon asks once he realizes the bottles of water in their room at room temperature are too warm for him to drink now, after an hour exercising and a hot shower. Wonwoo hums behind him and Jihoon turns his head to see him shake his head. “Okay, I’ll be right back then,” he says as he grabs the ice bucket from the table in their room and hears Wonwoo hum again as he walks out of their room.  
  
Jihoon takes about five steps from his room when another door a few down from his and Wonwoo’s opens and he sees Seokmin come out of his own room. As he closes the door behind him, he glances up from his feet, and when his eyes meet Jihoon’s, his face lights up in a bright grin that reaches his eyes and immediately makes Jihoon feel weak in the knees.  
  
“Hyung,” he says, quickly walking to where Jihoon is standing still with the hotel’s ice bucket hanging from his hand.  
  
He feels stunned into silence, the way he does sometimes when the focus of Seokmin’s warm brightness is directed straight at him.  
  
“Your hair’s wet,” Seokmin points out when he comes to stand in front of Jihoon, eyes bright and happy.  
  
“Yeah, just got out of the shower. I went to the gym a little while ago,” Jihoon tells him.  
  
“By yourself?”  
  
“Everyone keeps saying that,” Jihoon mutters, still unable to take his eyes off Seokmin, even as he laughs at Jihoon’s tone and takes a step closer to him, making the distance between them smaller.  
  
“Hyung, you should dry your hair properly,” Seokmin says with a brief glance at Jihoon’s head. His gaze is so warm and fond as he looks at him and Jihoon suddenly doesn’t know what to do with himself, starts shifting from one foot to the other before he settles for leaning his shoulder against the wall and resting the ice bucket against his thigh.  
  
“I did,” Jihoon says defensively, “it’s dry. I used a towel.”  
  
“It’s still damp,” Seokmin says through a laugh as he moves even closer to Jihoon and moves to lean against the wall as well. “A towel isn’t enough, you have to blow dry it. You’ll catch a cold if you sleep with wet hair.”  
  
Jihoon can’t tell if they’re standing closer to each other than they usually do, than is normal, but he’s close enough to make out the second mole on Seokmin’s cheek and the lights reflected in his eyes, the way his mouth curves at the corners when he grins and the crinkles around his eyes.  
  
“I’ll dry it properly next time,” Jihoon says, a little dazed and distracted by the smile lines around Seokmin’s mouth, even as his smile softens into something more gentle at Jihoon’s words.  
  
“Did you have a nice afternoon, hyung?” Seokmin asks after a brief pause, tone quiet and soft. Jihoon nods.  
  
“Yeah, it was fine. I didn’t really do anything, but I think I rested well. I can’t decide if I’m tired or awake.”  
  
Seokmin nods and scrunches his nose cutely in a sympathetic expression like he understands. “Shua-hyung crashed right after dinner. Jetlag always gets him the worst.”  
  
“What did you do in the afternoon?” Jihoon asks gently, and Seokmin shrugs.  
  
“Not a lot, either. Hoshi-hyung and I went out for a walk around the streets for a little, and then I came back and had dinner with Shua-hyung. Hannie-hyung messaged me a few minutes ago that he wanted to watch a movie, that’s where I was headed,” Seokmin tells him and makes small gestures with his hand as he talks, but Jihoon is distracted by the way his mouth shapes certain words.  
  
“Oh,” Jihoon starts, “am I keeping you?”  
  
“No,” Seokmin says quickly and makes for Jihoon’s arm, briefly touching Jihoon’s wrist, just for a moment, but Jihoon’s skin stays warm where Seokmin touched him. “It’s okay,” he says softly, “he said I could come whenever, it’s still early.”  
  
Jihoon nods and meets Seokmin’s eyes. He feels caged in under Seokmin’s gaze, feels like the room disappears around them and he’s the sole focus of Seokmin’s attention, and it makes his heart beat faster in his chest. His pulse flutters like butterfly wings and his face starts to feel warm, but Jihoon still doesn’t move away or take his eyes off Seokmin, feels entranced by some sort of spell cast on him and tethered to Seokmin by the heart.  
  
“Dokyeomie,” Jihoon starts to say, feels himself leaning towards Seokmin like he’s being pulled in to his orbit, and he doesn’t know where he’s going with it, only knows he needs Seokmin’s name on his lips and that the feeling of having Seokmin’s attention is heady and dizzying, wants to fill himself up on the feeling until it’s the only thing flowing through his veins.  
  
He’s too distracted and doesn’t hear the door open or realize anyone is coming towards them until he hears Chan’s voice from where he stops to stand beside them. Jihoon isn’t doing anything wrong, he thinks, but suddenly feels caught red handed and jerks away from Seokmin, steps back to put some space between them.  
  
“Hey,” Chan says as he glances between the two of them, “what are you guys doing?”  
  
“Nothing,” Jihoon says reflexively. His tone sounds slow and calm but he feels the heat spread from his cheeks to his ears and his heart start pounding. “Just talking. What are you doing?”  
  
“Going to Hoshi-hyung’s room to show him some videos,” Chan answers easily. “Why are you guys just standing here?”  
  
“We bumped into each other,” Seokmin answers, “I’m actually going to Mingyu and Jeonghannie-hyung’s room to watch a movie.”  
  
Chan glances at Jihoon like he’s expecting some explanation from him as well, so Jihoon waves the ice bucket between them instead of answering.  
  
“I should get going,” Seokmin says when no one else says anything for a moment, then nods in both their directions. “Bye, Dino-yah, bye-bye hyung.”  
  
Dino nods back at Seokmin and Jihoon only watches him go for a little bit, just until he’s out of Jihoon’s immediate field of vision, but it’s enough to get Chan to look at him oddly. Jihoon stares back, then sighs softly and bumps his fist against Chan’s shoulder.  
  
“Have fun at Hoshi’s. Don’t stay up too late, we have to get up early tomorrow,” he tells him and only lingers around long enough to hear Chan wish him a good night before they part ways.  
  
The whole way to the ice dispenser and back to his room, Jihoon feels flustered and dazed. He keeps replaying the brief moment he leaned in towards Seokmin despite the already small distance between them, wonders what he would have done if Chan hadn’t interrupted them.  
  
When he comes into the room, Wonwoo sits up in his bed and peeks at Jihoon over the wall separating the room from the entrance.  
  
“Dude, where the hell did you go get ice?”

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**Ten minutes into the December LieV broadcast, Jihoon sees it. The second slip-up he’s made and, once again, on a live broadcast, like’s incapable of exposing his own vulnerable heart unless the whole world is there to see it.  
  
It’s the expression on his own face as he looks at Seokmin when he must have thought no one would notice. It could easily be played off as if he were looking down at the broadcast phone laying on his pillow, he thinks, but he remembers that moment, recognizes the feelings reflected in his own eyes.  
  
His gaze is warm, fond and soft around the edges. He remembers feeling comfortable surrounded by his members and letting himself slip, just a little, remembers the tight feeling in his chest like something growing and swelling, taking up all the space where his heart should be and filling him up to the brim, filling him up enough that, clearly, he could not contain his own emotions from showing on his face.  
  
He doesn’t think anyone else will notice, not without looking for it, thinks he was subtle enough, but Jihoon can recognize the expression on himself for what it is. He looks wrapped up in Seokmin, overwhelmed with a warm, affectionate fondness that is different from the one he holds for the rest of his members. He looks prepared to hand Seokmin the universe should he ask for it, and very suddenly and viscerally knows he feels that way, too. Seokmin could ask him to jump and Jihoon would respond _how high?_ while already bending at the knees.  
  
He had planned to watch the whole broadcast, despite having been there himself and normally finding rewatching their own broadcasts unnecessary, Jihoon had wanted to make an effort to watch this one all the way through for the mere reason that it had been fun. Now, he can feel his face grow hot and the corners of his mouth involuntarily pulling down in an uncomfortable expression and before he can help himself, he is closing out of the VLive browser on his computer. He had really planned to watch it, but instead he lays his forehead on the edge of his desk and concentrates on the feeling of the cool surface of the desk against his warm skin. He takes a moment to compose himself, lets the sudden quiet of his studio fill his ears, before he sits up again.  
  
There are things Jihoon doesn’t like to talk about, things he keeps to himself unless they’re necessary for others to hear. He doesn’t hide things from others, but sometimes he gets so twisted up and tangled inside, he doesn’t think he would have the words to express them anyway, thinks all that would come out of his mouth would be one of those dark black, tangled scribbles. He has only ever been able to express things like that, emotions and ideas that leave him in all sorts of knots, in one way, and it always helps towards being able to talk about it later.  
  
Jihoon forces himself to work on music instead of thinking on the matter (thinking about the way Seokmin looks at the camera when he notices he’s the only one in the frame, his bright and innocent eyes, the way he smiles so radiantly his eyes curve, the proximity between them and how easy it was to reach down and touch him, run his fingers through the ends of his hair without anyone noticing, press the pads of his fingers to the space between his shoulder blades, feel the warmth radiate off his body though his clothes, how Seokmin never reacted and whether that was because he never noticed or he never minded Jihoon doesn’t know, but he thinks of how they are all close, all the members, fiercely affectionate and dependent with each other, all of them, but how he feels pulled towards Seokmin’s gravitation in a different way, charged and electric- )  
  
He stays up late, writing songs about sleepless nights and a noisy heart.  
  
  
  
  
 **2018**

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**They kick start the year with ISAC as one of the first activities on their schedule.  
  
It always takes up most of the day, which means they have to clear the entire day for it, even if they aren’t participating in every event. It means that whenever they’re not competing, they do a lot of waiting around.  
  
It’s not usually too bad. There’s always fans that come and cheer for them, something they always appreciate, and they get to see a lot of their other idol friends. Even the waiting is fun and comfortable when they’re all together, a privilege that comes with having a bigger group that gets along so well together. They might feel tired later when they get to the dorm, but it’s a weariness that doesn’t even compare to the one that comes with a three hour long concert.  
  
This year, Jihoon feels the hours of the day at ISAC drag on slower than usual and grows tired quickly. He doesn’t think he has been sleeping too badly, though he has spent a lot of late nights at the studio, and they have already started to prepare for their Japan arena tour starting in February, and maybe that’s taking more of a toll on his body that even he realized.  
  
It’s not enough for him to not do his best during the events he’s participating in, but he feels sluggish whenever he’s not busy and he spends the time waiting between events clinging to and resting against different members; he rests his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder for a long time while they’re sitting on the bleachers, leans his whole weight against Mingyu’s arm when Jeonghan goes away, and even goes as far as jumping on Seungcheol’s back while _he’s_ already on Seokmin’s back.  
  
He doesn’t start to feel exhausted until the second half of the day, right after one of his events, when he comes back to join the group and even the thought of bending over to sit down sounds too troublesome.  
  
Seokmin is sitting at the edge of the clutter of Seventeen members dressed in their yellow and gray tracksuits and Jihoon comes right for him. He puts his hands on Seokmin’s shoulders and turtle waddles him toward the front of the group, Seokmin only barely glancing over his shoulder to see who it is.  
  
They stop right beside Jeonghan before Jihoon is satisfied and rests his whole body against Seokmin’s back, dropping his arms over Seokmin’s shoulders and letting his hands hang over Seokmin’s knees.  
  
Jihoon feels the tiredness in his bones start to seep out like tendrils of smoke floating away from a candle, slow and gradual as his eyes slip shut and he breathes out deeply. He quickly starts to feel light, weightless, though he doesn’t think Seokmin would agree.  
  
Not that Seokmin complains, of course. Jihoon isn’t even sure he notices with how little he reacts to him. In fact, Seokmin rarely has a reaction to Jihoon’s sudden displays of affection or bursts of needing comfort and, usually, Jihoon is okay with that. Usually, he realizes it’s something that comes hand in hand with living with twelve other guys who get along like family and have blurred the lines of personal space since long ago.  
  
Usually, Jihoon lets it go and appreciates the fact that Seokmin never pushes or asks for more, lets Jihoon give as much as he’s comfortable with and take as much as he needs. Usually, it makes something that aches with fondness for Seokmin’s kindness bloom in Jihoon’s chest.  
  
Today, it makes him feel tight with an edge of annoyance he can’t put into words, and whether it’s because of how tired he is or something else, Jihoon wouldn’t be able to say.  
  
He rests the palms of his hands against Seokmin’s knees and tries not to think about it, but he feels Seokmin shift and only opens his eyes enough to watch the way Seokmin’s hands move while he reties his shoes, and that sends another sting of annoyance through him like a blunt needle poking at the back of his neck.  
  
Jihoon wraps his hands around Seokmin’s wrists, feels selfish even as he does it, but not enough to make him stop. Something about the slight shift in position makes him rest more heavily against Seokmin, lets him feel the way Seokmin’s shoulders fit against where Jihoon’s arms wrap around him, reminds him that Seokmin started going to the gym in earnest a few months ago and has already started to fill up and broaden out. He feels sturdy and firm under Jihoon’s weight and Jihoon feels needy and petulant begging for Seokmin’s attention without actually asking for it.  
  
He feels it when Seokmin turns his head up to look at something, but Jihoon isn’t paying enough attention to realize what it is, doesn’t know why Seokmin is clapping when he starts to do so, but it makes him hold on just a little tighter, wonders how much more he would have to hold on for Seokmin to realize.  
  
 _Do you think about me? Do you realize how much I think about you?_ _  
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_Sometimes he goes hours and hours without thinking about Seokmin; he has other things that need his full attention, of course, and it’s easy for him to forget about everything else when he’s working in the studio. Other times he feels his head go around and around thoughts of Seokmin, so many he feels dizzy with it. Sometimes he thinks the only thing that would ease the dizzy restlessness would be the knowledge that Seokmin thinks of him just as much, feels just as distracted by thoughts of Jihoon, by the proximity between them, and if he would just let Jihoon know he _notices_ him, at the very least, he might be able to calm down.  
  
“Comfortable?” Seokmin mumbles next to his ear, voice low and tone amused. Jihoon doesn’t have to look at his face to know Seokmin’s expression is still kind and playful, knows him well enough to hear the smile in his voice without needing to see it. He’s too distracted by his own thoughts and too tired to form words, so he hums softly instead as a response. It makes Seokmin breathe out a laugh as he shifts a little again and makes himself more comfortable under Jihoon’s weight. He doesn’t try to make Jihoon to get off him and he doesn’t say much else to Jihoon, lets him rest his whole weight against his back, and Jihoon hangs on to Seokmin’s wrists while he pretends he can feel Seokmin’s heart beating through his back.  
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**As soon as he opens the door to their practice room, Jihoon hears it: Seokmin’s voice echoing off the hardwood floors, filling the room with his smooth and clear head voice.  
  
They’ve been preparing for their next world tour for almost two months now, putting in a lot of early mornings and late nights inside their practice room, so Jihoon is a little surprised to find Seokmin still here, by himself.  
  
His eyes are closed when Jihoon looks at him through the mirror across from Seokmin and it takes another moment before he opens them and notices Jihoon has come in.  
  
“Hyung,” he says as a smile lifts the corners of his mouth and he smiles at Jihoon’s reflection without turning around to actually look at him. “It’s late, what are you doing here?”  
  
Jihoon points across the back of the room to where his water thermos is sitting against the back corner, exactly where he thought he’d left it. “Left my water here. What are you doing?”  
  
Seokmin makes a stammering noise as his smile turns more embarrassed and he avoids Jihoon’s gaze. “I’m, uh, trying to get in some extra practice while no one’s around. I’m actually kind of nervous about my solo stage,” he admits sheepishly.  
  
“It’s a hard song,” Jihoon agrees, nodding, “do you want me to leave then? I don’t want to be in your way.”  
  
“No,” Seokmin says quickly, a little louder than he had been speaking before, and he jerks forward towards Jihoon’s reflection in the mirror as if to step closer to him. “I mean,” he starts again, then seems to pause carefully, “you don’t have to go, if you don’t want to. I actually, um, was wondering if you could help?”  
  
Jihoon raises his eyebrows. Seokmin’s tone is shaky and nervous in a way Jihoon doesn’t often hear him and suddenly, his thermos is left forgotten once more. He steps closer to Seokmin so he can stand nearer to him rather than at the very back of the practice room.  
  
“You really want me to help?” he asks once he’s standing a step behind Seokmin. “I mean, it’s your song, it’s not like being in the recording studio when I’m guiding how things should sound.”  
  
“I know,” Seokmin says and he’s still only looking at Jihoon through their reflections, “I guess I’d just like to know what I should work on. I want to do this well, you know?”  
  
Jihoon does know, actually. He’s done a solo stage for their concerts before, but it doesn’t stop being a little daunting, especially after getting used to having twelve other people by his side on stage, or at least a unit, members who know him and know each other well, who work seamlessly together and know where to lift each other up when need be. Having their own stages is exciting, an opportunity to show the ways they can express themselves individually, but the prospect of it doesn’t stop being scary, especially for someone like Seokmin. Jihoon is sure once he gets past the first performance and realizes he is more than capable of this it will become much easier, but for now, the best thing Jihoon can do for him is give him whatever support he needs and asks for.  
  
“You want to run it for me one more time?” Jihoon asks, and Seokmin not only nods immediately, but his eyes light up in a way that makes Jihoon’s heart clench in his chest, eager to please and do whatever would make Seokmin feel happy and assured.  
  
Jihoon takes a step back to give Seokmin space to move the way he would on stage and it’s easy, the way they fall into roles, something that comes from years of practicing in front of each other and just as much time singing with each other in recording studios and broadcasts.  
  
The thing about Seokmin’s singing is that, no matter what he sings, his voice has a way of carrying in it all the emotions he wants to project, and that sort of thing was hard to miss. The fact that he had an incredible voice and a range to match were only emphasized when Seokmin sang live, when you could not only hear him but _see_ him as well, when all of those overwhelming emotions were reflected in his face, spurred on by the rush and adrenaline of being on stage, in front of thousands of fans who were there only to see them. It was easy to see how much Seokmin loved singing, how he breathed for it, how he survived on performing.  
  
Once Seokmin runs through the whole song, Jihoon gives him a moment to catch his breath before he says anything, but Seokmin is already looking at his reflection expectantly.  
  
“I’m not sure what you want me to say. I’m not really sure why you’re asking _me_ for help,” Jihoon says simply. Seokmin’s expression turns slightly aghast, brows knit together in the middle, lips pulled down at the corners and mouth hanging open. Jihoon realizes how he might take those words and quickly rushes to amend for them. He doesn’t think about it before he steps forward again to stand right behind Seokmin and put his hands on his waist, fingers just barely brushing his stomach.  
  
“What I mean is,” he starts, “you sound amazing. And you’re a much better singer than I am. I think you need to work on breath control a little, but that's your strong suit, anyway. It just comes hand in hand with this song, and you’ll get used to it the more you practice it. It might be easier on stage, too, with all the excitement of performing,” he adds the last part as an afterthought as it occurs to him. He watches Seokmin in the mirror as his face relaxes and he nods in understanding, before he jerks back up, caught on something.  
  
“I’m not a better singer than you are,” his voice carries an almost accusing tone as he says it and Jihoon can’t help laughing a little. “You’re our vocal boss, how can I be a better singer than you?”  
  
“Just because I’m the unit leader doesn’t mean you can’t be better than I am, _not_ that I’m trying to compete with any of you,” Jihoon says to appease Seokmin and with his hands warm and comfortable over Seokmin’s waist, he gently shakes him side to side, teasing and unthinking. “That doesn’t change the fact that I think you’re a really good singer.”  
  
“Really?” Seokmin says and this time he does turn his head to look at Jihoon. This close to each other, Jihoon has to tilt his head back to meet Seokmin’s eyes. He pauses, suddenly feeling short of breath and stunned, and he has to remember what words are before he can say them.  
  
“Don’t tell Seungkwan,” he whispers like it’s some nefarious secret, “but I think you’re our best singer.”  
  
Seokmin laughs at that and Jihoon watches the way he turns his face away and downwards as he does, watches the way he flushes from the high of his cheekbones, the way the tip of his nose curves with his grin and how he smiles all the way up to his eyes, viscerally reminding Jihoon how beautiful Seokmin really is, especially like this.  
  
“You don’t mean that,” Seokmin says, still laughing, and maybe he’s fishing for compliments now, but Jihoon falls for it right away and takes the bait.  
  
“I do,” he insists, voice louder than a whisper now, but much gentler than before, “maybe your singing just fits my preference better, but I do think you’re amazing, Dokyeomie. I wish you’d have a little more confidence in your abilities and hear yourself the way we all do.”  
  
Seokmin is still smiling but it fades into something easier now, more genuine and soft around the edges. He’s looking at Jihoon through their reflections again, but his eyes are so brown and warm, Jihoon feels his knees go weak, like he might melt on the spot.  
  
“Thank you, hyung,” Seokmin says softly. Jihoon nods and gently moves Seokmin with his hands still on his waist, just a little, just enough to make him giggle, and the sound goes right to Jihoon’s heart and makes flowers bloom between his arteries. “For the record,” Seokmin starts after he’s done laughing, “I think you’re a really good singer, too, hyung. Your voice is so unique, it’s like honey drips from your mouth every time you sing.”  
  
Jihoon makes a disgruntled noise and presses his forehead against the back of Seokmin’s shoulder, buries his face against the fabric of his shirt.  
  
“It’s true,” Seokmin insists gently, “and you’re always so passionate. I’m glad you’re getting to do another solo stage since _Simple_.”  
  
Jihoon waits until Seokmin is done speaking before he peeks over his shoulder to meet his eyes through the mirror again. His smile is so warm and fond and his eyes are so sincere, Jihoon doesn’t know what to do with it. He knows this look, it’s a look that will stay engraved in his mind, a look he will think of at night when he can’t sleep and can only think of _Seokmin Seokmin Seokmin_.  
  
A moment passes between them, something slow and thick with a feeling Jihoon can’t name but can feel in the hollow of his bones, heavy and charged. It makes his heart beat a little faster in his chest, he dully wonders if Seokmin can feel it where his chest touches his back, and he can only think of one way to diffuse it, acts on it before he can stop himself. He reaches forward and places his fingers under Seokmin’s ribs.  
  
“Ah, thank you, Dokyeom-ah,” he says in a deeper, ridiculous voice as he tickles Seokmin’s sides. It immediately makes him laugh a startled laugh and he takes hold of one of Jihoon’s wrists as he turns his head to look at him again.  
  
They’re closer now, somehow closer than they were before. Jihoon realizes it before Seokmin does and his fingers still, stunned into silence by the proximity between them. They’re so close, he can see the way Seokmin’s eyelashes separate from each other as his smile eases and his eyes uncurve, so close he can see the ceiling lights reflected in Seokmin’s eyes and the way the corners of his mouth pull in as he stops laughing, stops smiling all together, seeming to realize how close they are to each other.  
  
Jihoon’s hands are still on Seokmin’s stomach, one of Seokmin’s hands still holding on to his wrist, and Jihoon doesn’t know how much time passes before Seokmin whispers _hyung_ quietly into the minimal space between them. Jihoon should move away, he knows he should, but there is something in Seokmin’s eyes he recognizes, an ache he would be able to place if he were looking in a mirror, and he is frozen on the spot, unable to step away from Seokmin, wouldn’t be able to even if he wanted to.  
  
That’s how he knows, because he can’t bring himself to move, when their noses start to brush together and Seokmin is too close to properly focus on and Jihoon’s eyes are drawn down to Seokmin’s lips, his lovely cupid’s bow and the part between them, he knows it’s not him who closes the distance between them because Jihoon couldn’t move even if he wanted to.  
  
It’s magic, Seokmin’s lips pressed gently against his and clicking into place something in his chest, like a Seokmin shaped cog that couldn’t run until now, until Jihoon learned what it felt like to have Seokmin’s nose slotted against his and his lips molded against the shape of Jihoon’s, to feel Seokmin’s warmth pressed fully against him, to feel his breath cease in his lungs.  
  
It only lasts a few moments, but it’s enough to drive Jihoon crazy, for him to know he won’t be able to live knowing what it’s like to kiss Seokmin without being able to kiss him on a regular basis.  
  
It only lasts a few moments before they separate, Seokmin being the one to move again. He pulls away from Jihoon with a soft gasp, but not far enough that they aren’t still pressed flushed together. Jihoon can see the slight panic beginning to pool in Seokmin’s eyes and he opens his mouth as if to say something thatJihoon is suddenly very afraid will be an apology; he doesn’t think he could bear it, to hear Seokmin be sorry for kissing him when Jihoon has been thinking about this for more than a year now. He doesn’t stop to think twice before he removes one of his hands from Seokmin’s stomach and instead raises it to gently cup Seokmin’s jaw against his palm, the tips of his fingers brushing against the ends of his hair, and he tugs Seokmin towards himself again, is the one to press their lips together this time.  
  
Seokmin gasps again, right into Jihoon’s mouth, and it’s so nice it’s borderline glorious, especially when Seokmin seems to gain confidence and turns in Jihoon’s arms to face him. It only briefly breaks them apart, but it also makes Jihoon’s hands fall to Seokmin’s hips and puts one of Seokmin’s hands on his waist and the other gentle against Jihoon’s cheek and it’s _so nice_.  
  
Seokmin feels so much taller than him when they’re this close together, Jihoon has to tilt his head up to meet his lips and something about that makes heat pool at the pit of his stomach, makes his legs feel weak all the way down to his toes, it’s a wonder Seokmin doesn’t have to hold him up. He can feel Seokmin’s heart beating against his own chest, can feel Seokmin’s breath against his cheek when he sighs through his nose, relaxes into the kiss.  
  
A dam has burst open in Jihoon and he feels overwhelmed with all of his feelings, all of his feelings for Seokmin, all of the small joys and all the hours he has spent yearning and wanting and he feels like he’s come right out of his body, feels like he’s transcended. He can never go back to the person he used to be, a person who didn’t know Seokmin’s lips or the way his fingers gently tangle in Jihoon’s hair, the way his hand grips his waist and makes Jihoon hold on tighter.  
  
They kiss for what feels like an age to Jihoon, and it still doesn’t feel like enough, before they break apart, both needing to breathe.  
  
Seokmin’s eyes stay closed as he presses their foreheads together and Jihoon’s heart just aches and aches at the gentleness of it, how tender of a gesture it is. He wants to live in this moment for a very long time, for however long he is allowed to, but there is still a tremble of nervousness under his skin. He almost feels sure, he knows Seokmin kissed him first but he likes him so much, has liked him for so long, he needs to _know._  
  
“Dokyeomie,” he whispers, slow and gentle. It makes Seokmin’s eyes flutter, lashes brushing over his flushed cheeks. He hums as a response and Jihoon’s eyes are drawn to his lips again, finally noticing how red they are now after kissing and it’s so lovely Jihoon thinks he might never be able to write a song about anything else other than this, knows he won’t ever forget how Seokmin looks right now.  
  
“Dokyeomie,” he says again, just to make himself focus again, but it makes Seokmin open his eyes and they’re so dark and bright, Jihoon thinks he might go crazy. He’s so breathless and his heart feels like it’ll beat right out of his chest, but he makes himself go on, “Did you. Did you mean to do that?”  
  
It takes a moment for the haze to clear from Seokmin’s eyes, for the words to sink in. He takes the hand on Jihoon’s waist away and instead wraps his arm around him, presses his hand flat against the space between Jihoon’s shoulder blades. It makes Jihoon press closer to him, makes him feel small and precious in Seokmin’s hold. He swears his heart stops right then and there.  
  
“I’m not sure I meant to right this moment, but I have wanted to kiss you, hyung” he says, his voice lower than Jihoon has ever heard it and his eyes piercing into Jihoon’s. “Been wanting to kiss you for so long,” Seokmin says again, quieter, almost to himself, and he moves the hand on Jihoon’s cheek enough that he can brush the pad of his thumb over the skin of Jihoon’s bottom lip. Then, something else settles in Seokmin’s eyes, a look of realization. He doesn’t pull away at all, but something in his eyes clears away. “Did you mean to do that?”  
  
Jihoon nods immediately, his pride and his ego left out to wait in the hall. He doesn’t think he could go any longer without laying everything out on the table, needs Seokmin to know how much this means to him. He moves his hands from Seokmin’s hips and raises them to hold his face in them.  
  
“Yes,” Jihoon says and nods against Seokmin’s forehead, “absolutely. Wouldn’t be kissing you if I didn’t want to, and I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, too, Dokyeom-ah.”  
  
“Okay,” Seokmin breathes and nods as well and, after a pause, his face slowly, gently lights up, the light in his eyes more clear rather than dazed, his smile faint and easy. He takes the breath right from Jihoon’s lungs.  
  
Jihoon can’t help himself, he’s sure he isn’t thinking straight anymore, but he makes a pitiful sound low in his throat and leans his head up to capture Seokmin’s lips again. He moves his hands to the back of Seokmin’s neck and feels so relieved when Seokmin immediately leans into the kiss that he sighs low and sweet as he melts into Seokmin’s chest.  
  
“We should probably talk, shouldn’t we?” Seokmin says between one kiss and the next, says the words against Jihoon’s lips before he dives right back in, like Jihoon is supposed to think clearly with Seokmin’s mouth on his. Still, he manages a nod when he feels his lungs beg him for air and has to pull away. He drops his forehead on Seokmin’s shoulder this time, away from where he can still get lost in Seokmin’s eyes or distracted by his mouth, because it really would be better if they talked about this before anything else went on.  
  
They stay there for a while longer though, because Seokmin starts to rub circles against Jihoon’s back as Jihoon hugs him around the waist and it’s so lovely and so much of what Jihoon would stay awake thinking about at night, but more. He’s too wired up to go to sleep, but it’s easy to relax against Seokmin when he holds him so gently.  
  
“Do you want me to make tea?” Seokmin asks eventually, right next to Jihoon’s ear, and he sighs and nods.  
  
A while later, they end up on Jihoon and Mingyu’s floor, sitting next to each other on the kitchen table, mugs of tea steaming on the table. Seokmin’s chair is turned towards Jihoon so they can still face each other without sitting too far apart (because they quickly learned Jihoon wasn’t willing to let Seokmin go too far away from him; he held Seokmin’s hand the entire way back to their dorm and then clung to his back like a koala the whole time he made tea and even though it must have made it hard for Seokmin to move, he never complained at all, and Jihoon likes him even more than he already did for it).  
  
Their knees knock into each other whenever Seokmin sways his legs from side to side, a nervous tick Jihoon is very familiar with, and maybe that’s why he lets himself go first, if only to help ease Seokmin’s mind and reassure him.  
  
“You know,” he starts but he can’t quite meet Seokmin’s eyes yet and instead looks down to his fingers wrapped around his mug, “I’ve actually thought about this a lot. Sometimes, I’d have a hard time falling asleep and I would, um. I’d think about this,” he looks at Seokmin briefly, only enough to catch the way his eyes are focused on Jihoon and the light furrow of concentration between his brows. “I’d finally let you know how I feel, and I would think of all the ways that could go,” Jihoon trails off, feels like he has said enough on his own before he needs Seokmin to step in and nudge him forward.  
  
“How do you feel?” Seokmin asks gently, patient and quiet. Everything they’ve said since they came to the dorm has been quiet; it’s late and everyone else seems to be asleep. They only turned on the light over the kitchen table and it makes everything feel soft and fuzzy.  
  
Jihoon nibbles on the inside of his cheek, nervous. Despite how obvious everything might seem at this point, Jihoon understands how important it is that they say everything clearly, that they communicate properly. It’s not only because things like this might not be as simple for them as they are for other people, but also because Seokmin is so important to him, and Jihoon likes him _so much_. He knows how important this conversation is.  
  
“I like you so much, Dokyeomie,” he breathes into the space between them, and it’s only a little scary. “I’ve liked you for so long and so much.”  
  
Seokmin breathes out and Jihoon finally looks up to see his face. His cheeks are flushed, Jihoon can see it even under the dim kitchen light, and his eyes are bright as he bites down on his bottom lip, holding back a smile. It makes something ache in Jihoon’s chest, but it also makes him a little frustrated.  
  
“Hey,” he stage whispers as he smacks Seokmin’s thigh with his hand, “don’t do that, say something.”  
  
But it only makes Seokmin’s grin grow and he takes Jihoon’s hand in his and holds it in his own on top of his knee. Suddenly his eyes are so warm and soft, Jihoon feels slightly breathless again.  
  
“Hyung, I’ve always liked you,” Seokmin says, still grinning with his soft bright eyes and Jihoon’s heart in his hands.  
  
“You have?” Jihoon stammers out after a long pause where he lets that sink in.  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin answers easily with a nod. “I mean, almost always, because I think I admired you more than anything, when we first became friends. I always thought you were so cool, and you started working on music so quickly, you always knew what you wanted and went for it. I thought that was so great. I think what I feel for you now is different than then, I think it’s better, because I know you now, but. I’ve always liked you,” he finishes and his smile is so charming and earnest it makes Jihoon want to kiss him again, makes him want to hold Seokmin and his kind heart tightly, only barely stopping himself for the sake of their conversation.  
  
Jihoon pauses and stares at his hand in Seokmin’s for a long moment before he tugs it out of his hold and smacks Seokmin’s thigh again, raises his eyes to meet Seokmin’s surprised gaze.  
  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he demands. Seokmin blinks once before he averts his eyes shyly and breathes out a nervous laugh.  
  
“At this point, it seems a little silly that I didn’t,” he starts and when he mindlessly starts reaching back for Jihoon’s hand, he easily lets him take it. “The truth is, I really didn’t want to push you or ask for more than you were comfortable with. And I really had no idea you liked me, either. Sometimes I felt like, maybe there is something there, you know? But we’re all so close, it was hard to figure out what was just friendly and platonic, and what wasn’t. Now that I know, I think back on it and there were obvious things I missed.”  
  
Jihoon understands that very well. He thinks of all the small acts of kindness Seokmin went out of his way to do for Jihoon just to make him feel comfortable and happy and how he looks at him sometimes with a tenderly weighted gaze, fond and warm, and of how much Seokmin must have been holding back from telling Jihoon. It feels silly now, after they’ve started telling each other everything, to never have noticed, but there is a comfort in realizing Seokmin was always right there with him, feeling just as nervous and wrong-footed as Jihoon did, feeling just as much as Jihoon felt for him  
  
“Yeah, I get it. I’ve felt that way, too. I just,” he goes on, taking a deep breath in, “sometimes I felt like no matter what I did, you didn’t really notice me the same way I noticed you. It drove me crazy. I wanted you to think about me as much as I think about you.”  
  
Seokmin looks at him again as Jihoon talks and a slow, wistful smile spreads his lips. It’s always been a point of fascination for Jihoon, how quick Seokmin’s expressions change, how much he communicates with just his face.  
  
“How much do you think of me, hyung?” he says in a low, quiet breath and it sends shivers up Jihoon’s spine, makes him feel flustered and nervous. Instinctively, he wants to say something rude or snappy, but he also feels so warm in his chest, the words would get stuck in his throat and come out a soft, tangled mess of words made up of syrupy sweet feelings left out to dry and crystalize.  
  
“All the time,” he admits, low and quiet and unable to look away from the warm fondness in Seokmin’s eyes. “I’d get distracted in the studio thinking about you and by the time I would realize it, I’d have half a song finished. We’re together all the time, but I only think of you more when I see you. Do you know what that’s like?”  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin says quickly through his smile, just as breathy as before. “I think about you all the time, too. That’s why I come visit you in the studio so much. I think about you and then I would miss you like crazy and needed to come see you, even if it was just to sit there quietly while you worked, even if we see each other all the time.”  
  
“I like that you do that,” Jihoon says. Seokmin has started rubbing Jihoon’s knuckles with the pad of his thumb and Jihoon watches the slow motions he traces on his skin. “When you come see me at the studio and you don’t mind that I keep working. It’s nice having you there.”  
  
“Okay,” Seokmin says gently, “I can do that more then, if you want.”  
  
Jihoon shrugs, feeling sheepish. “Only if you have time. And if you want to. I wouldn’t mind.”  
  
He glances up to look at the way Seokmin smiles at him when he says that, like he’s uncovered some treasure in Jihoon’s words. It’s thrilling to be the center of Seokmin’s attention, to stand at the focus of his warmth, but Jihoon doesn’t know what to do with it yet other than turn shy and embarrassed under Seokmin’s gaze.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says after another pause and Jihoon looks at him again. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do, okay? Wherever we go from here, I’m okay with whatever you want.”  
  
Jihoon considers that. He knows what he doesn’t want: to go on as if tonight didn’t happen, as if Seokmin didn’t hold his heart in his hands and steal his breath away within a matter of seconds, doesn’t want to go back to pretending he doesn’t know what it’s like to kiss Seokmin, or that he isn’t aware of how they both feel. He thinks about how understanding Seokmin always is with him and his heart squeezes around itself.  
  
“You’re always so kind to me, Dokyeom-ah,” he says, “you’re always going out of your way to do nice things for me. For once, what do you want to do? I promise if it’s not something I want that I will tell you, but what do you want?”  
  
His words make Seokmin turn shy and flustered. Jihoon watches as his gaze drops and how he starts fidgeting with Jihoon’s fingers. He tries to keep his hand still and pliant for Seokmin, waits until he’s ready.  
  
“I think,” he starts, “I would like it if we were together, you know? Like the way Vernonie and Seungkwanie are together. You know?” he adds nervously, and Jihoon nods, understanding.  
  
“Boyfriends,” Jihoon clarifies, and Seokmin makes such an adorably startled face, he can’t help laughing softly. “It’s okay, Dokyeomie, you can say it. You won’t scare me away with that,” he says and Seokmin nods, relaxes. Jihoon lets the moment hang between them for a moment before he goes on.  
  
“I think I would like that, too,” he admits softly, “for us to be together like that. If that’s okay with you.”  
  
Seokmin finally meets his eyes, then nods. He still seems a little nervous, still toying with Jihoon’s hand and the Seventeen ring on his pinky finger.  
  
“I just don’t want it to change anything between us,” he confesses slowly. “Like, if anything ever happened, I wouldn’t want to lose you and our friendship because of it.”  
  
“Oh,” Jihoon starts immediately and grabs Seokmin’s fingers again, squeezes them gently. “That would never happen, I promise. I wouldn’t let that happen. Before anything else, you’re one of my best friends. You’re all the most important people to me, nothing would ever change that.”  
  
Seokmin looks at him for a while before his shoulders and his hand in Jihoon’s relax, and he nods, assured.  
  
“Yeah, I know, but it helps to hear you say it,” Seokmin says, and Jihoon nods, understanding that as well.  
  
“We can decide on this together, and we’ll figure it out as we go, yeah?” Jihoon says, tilting his head towards Seokmin to catch his eye.  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin agrees, nodding, “I’d like that.”  
  
They let the silence linger between them, settle into the quiet of the night and the feeling of their hands holding each other’s. The reality of it all begins to settle in Jihoon’s mind; the way Seokmin gazes at him warmly, the feeling of Seokmin’s fingers between his, the knowledge that his feelings and all his yearnings have never been one-sided, that Seokmin wants him just as much as Jihoon wants him. It sends a thrill right through his heart, a happiness like lighting sparking electricity in his blood.  
  
“So,” Seokmin says.  
  
“That’s that, then,” Jihoon finishes for him and it makes Seokmin laugh soft and pretty. He leans forward to kiss Jihoon, quick and short, like he’s stealing the kiss from Jihoon, and that makes him laugh too as he reaches over to shove at Seokmin’s shoulder with his free hand.  
  
They stay up for another hour, just talking. They discuss whether they want to tell the others and decide that no, not yet, not with their busy schedules and their heavy practice hours preparing for the tour, but eventually. They might start to notice on their own, Seokmin points out, and Jihoon agrees, though he’s already planning to talk to Seunghcheol as soon as they get some down time.  
  
Once they get all the harder points of conversation done with, it’s easier to relax into the fuzzy feeling of the kitchen. They finally start to drink their tea and talk about simpler, mundane things, like what they’re most excited about for the tour, songs they’re excited to perform, and they don’t let go of each other’s hand the whole time.  
  
When Jihoon’s yawning starts to rub off on Seokmin, he walks Seokmin to the door before they separate for the night.  
  
They linger by the door for a while, Seokmin’s head tilted so he can smile down at Jihoon and it makes Jihoon’s heart skip a beat in his chest, the height difference between them, how openly Seokmin looks at him, the small distance between them.  
  
“This is kind of weird, but,” Seokmin starts, his voice barely above a whisper, “I kind of feel like this was all a dream. Like I might wake up tomorrow and you won’t remember any of this because I dreamed it all, you know?”  
  
“Dokyeom-ah, I swear,” Jihoon says softly, already leaning up to reach Seokmin’s lips, “this is all real,” and the kiss he gives him is short and lingering. Time slows down as they break apart and Seokmin is still smiling so soft and easy.  
  
“Good night, hyung,” Seokmin whispers, his hand already on the door knob.  
  
“Good night, Dokyeomie,” Jihoon responds and quickly leans up to give Seokmin another quick, chaste kiss before he leaves for the night.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Seokmin looks different to him after that night. Jihoon didn’t think he would, but he does.  
  
Or maybe Jihoon just _sees_ Seokmin differently after that night. He looks at Seokmin and feels warmth spread all the way down to his toes, feels something so big and wonderful bloom in his chest that it feels like something has taken root, settled in and made his heart grow three sizes bigger.  
  
Somehow, Seokmin looks even brighter to him now, impossibly brighter, the sun personified in his body, in his brilliant smile and his golden skin. He can’t take his eyes off him, so much so that his eyes follow Seokmin around a room and his gaze drifts back to find him whenever he manages to look away, impossibly drawn to Seokmin’s wonderfully overwhelming energy. They laugh differently with each other now, lean more into each other’s space, shoulders pressed together and foreheads inclined towards each other. He catches Seokmin looking at his mouth a few times, sometimes while Jihoon is talking, sometimes when someone else is talking but Jihoon is the one across from him. Jihoon knows Seokmin has caught Jihoon staring too, at him and at his lips, because every time he does he turns endearingly flustered, smiles to himself as he ducks his head, shoulders shaking with mirth and cheeks bright and flushed.  
  
They’re too busy for things to change much after that; they’re always in the practice room, all of them together, always practicing song after song, choreography after choreography. Sometimes they do their solo stages for each other, asking for and accepting tips and advice from each other, encouraging each other the more comfortable they get. They spend a lot of time practicing songs vocally as well and are thoroughly reminded to take care of their voices. Jihoon still spends as much time as he can in the studio as well, knows this tour won’t last forever and that he’ll not only be busy during it, but pretty tired as well, and he needs to make up for the time he’ll lose while he can.  
  
Still, they figure it out and make it work for them in their own way, just like they said they would.  
  
When Jihoon goes to his studio after they’re all done practicing together, Seokmin will sometimes meet him there after he showers and they have dinner together, and Seokmin always stays a little longer to keep Jihoon quiet company. Other times, Seokmin goes to Jihoon and Mingyu’s floor and has dinner with Mingyu, Minghao joining them from time to time, and then Seokmin rests there so he can wait for Jihoon to come back and spend time with him before they both head to bed.  
  
They pick up watching dramas together so they have something to watch together before bed that isn’t as long as a movie, and they compromise whenever they have a hard time finding something they’re both interested in.  
  
When they don’t watch anything, Seokmin puts on the tea kettle and they sit together and talk until they can’t keep their eyes open anymore.  
  
Jihoon hasn’t been able to kick the habit of clinging to Seokmin while he makes them tea, can’t seem to get enough of Seokmin once he gets him alone with him. He tells himself it just can’t be helped, with how hard they’re working and how much he misses Seokmin during the day even though they’re still always together.  
  
It’s different now, though. He used to wonder and think that maybe not a lot would change if they ever crossed this line, but it has, in a good way. Jihoon still feels like himself, but like a version of himself with newfound knowledge and emotions, someone who calls Seokmin his boyfriend, even if only to himself, and who carries the ghost of Seokmin’s lips on his own, knows what he tastes like before bed and how warm his bottom lip feels under Seokmin’s thumb, someone who quickly became familiar with the dark and dazed look Seokmin would get right after kissing.  
  
Things are different in the way that Jihoon’s chest aches when he can’t hold on to Seokmin whenever he gets the urge, makes him feel like they’re further away from each other than they really are. For one panicked moment while he was alone in his studio and thinking about this, he wondered if he was going crazy, to feel so much already and feel the need to seek Seokmin so much. But, he thought to himself, he had already liked Seokmin for a long time, and they have been friends for even longer, have known each other better than most longer still.  
  
Sometimes he kind of felt like a starving man who only felt sated when he had his arms wrapped around Seokmin, or after he had kissed him until Seokmin’s lips turned cherry red and plump and he got that look in his eyes. Maybe someday he’d stop feeling so hungry for Seokmin, would reach a point where he’d have enough to control himself, but for now he was okay with filling himself to the brim with Seokmin.  
  
Seokmin didn’t seem to mind either (because Jihoon wouldn’t, if Seokmin did mind, if he was bothered, he wouldn’t invade his space so much and demand so much attention). He always laughed softly when he felt Jihoon press himself against him from behind and wrap his arms around Seokmin’s torso. Sometimes he needed to finish up what he was doing first, but then he would always turn in Jihoon’s hold, press himself back against the kitchen counter, and hold Jihoon against his chest.  
  
That would always make something shatter inside Jihoon, something small and frail that ached in such a lovely way, makes him feel warm and overwhelmed.  
  
Tonight he feels so much, he needs to bury his face in Seokmin’s neck, presses the curve of his nose against Seokmin’s skin, presses himself as close as humanly possible. He hears Seokmin giggle, feels it against his own chest and something tender unfolds in Jihoon, makes him sigh softly and want to breathe in.  
  
“You’ve had me fooled, hyung,” Seokmin says quietly a little while later, after he gently runs his fingers through Jihoon’s hair about fifty times, and that’s new and wonderful as well.  
  
Jihoon makes a humming noise in response, not sure what Seokmin means but unwilling to detach himself from his boyfriend. Seokmin laughs again, and Jihoon realizes he might be laughing at _him_ but can’t really feel bothered to mind at this moment.  
  
“You had me convinced you didn’t like skinship or so much touching, but that’s not right, is it?”  
  
Jihoon can hear the smile in his voice and he’s so, so fond, so warm and comfortable. He can’t help when he hums again, too relaxed to form words just quite yet, content to feel the way Seokmin’s throat moves when he talks, the way he feels pressed right against the source of so much comfort and kindness, wonders if it’s possible it’ll seep into his bones and make a home in his marrow so he’ll carry Seokmin around with him at all times.  
  
“I don’t actually mind that much,” Jihoon confesses against the skin of Seokmin’s collarbones, “I just get a little embarrassed when it’s in front of people sometimes. Or the cameras. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. But I don’t mind too much. And I like touching you,” he says and admitting that makes him a little flustered too, but he hugs his arms tighter around Seokmin instead of pulling away.  
  
There’s a long pause before either of them speak again, but it’s lulled and fuzzy.  
  
“It’s nice,” Seokmin says eventually, still running one set of fingers through Jihoon’s hair as the other traces faint shapes on Jihoon’s side, over his shirt. Something about his tone makes Jihoon finally raise his head and draw back from Seokmin slightly, only enough to tilt his head back and get a good look at him, to take in the way his eyes are tender as he looks at Jihoon, the color in his cheeks. “I get to see you the way other people don't. It’s nice.”  
  
Jihoon feels himself go soft at that, weak and so, so far gone on Seokmin, he can feel it in his knees. He can’t imagine what his face looks like now, is sure the softness is showing on his face, but he doesn’t mind that either, not with Seokmin. He breathes out slowly as he raises one hand to the back of Seokmin’s neck and tugs gently, pleased when Seokmin reacts immediately and leans down to kiss him.  
  
It’s Jihoon’s current favorite thing, kissing Seokmin, though touching and hugging and staying up for hours talking are pretty close, too. Maybe it’s just Seokmin, actually. He’s glad they don’t have time for interviews right now because if anyone asked him what his current interests are, he’d have no other choice but to confess everything. _What am I interested in? Well, Dokyeom-ah, mostly, and kissing Dokyeom-ah, but I also just like being around him and holding his hand and, like. Touching his neck. But the kissing is great. Why, what are your interests?_  
  
God, Jihoon feels like he’s going crazy.  
  
 **  
** **  
** **  
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** **  
**(He’s absolutely sure he does go crazy later, just absolutely loses his mind one afternoon they get some time off and Jihoon comes to hang out in Seokmin’s room. They spend hours laying on Seokmin’s bed doing nothing. Seokmin holds Jihoon’s hand over his chest and rubs circles over his knuckles. Jihoon hooks his chin over Seokmin’s shoulder and watches him while the two of them talk, until they’ve talked about absolutely nothing for so long that Jihoon feels slow and relaxed and it’s so easy, when Seokmin looks down at him with dark and heavy eyes, it’s so easy to sit up and lean forward to kiss him until they both feel breathless with it, chests heaving against each other and the taste of Seokmin’s mouth lingering on his tongue even when Jihoon pulls away to catch his breath.  
  
Jihoon swings one leg over Seokmin, tucks his knees against his hips, and learns what it’s like to have the full length of Seokmin’s thighs under him and to get his hands on Seokmin’s chest and the span of his shoulders. He learns what it’s like to properly get Seokmin’s hands on him, and what Seokmin sounds like when Jihoon gets his hands on him instead, how quickly he can turn into a breathless, panting mess when Seokmin grips his waist and rolls their hips together. Jihoon feels so out of his mind crazy, it’s a wonder he manages to do anything more than desperately cling to Seokmin’s shoulders and kiss the breath out of him.)  
  
 **  
** **  
** **  
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** **  
**They land in Hong Kong a little after nine in the evening and a few days before their show in the AsiaWorld-Arena.  
  
Roommate partners for this leg of the tour were planned before their flight and they try to group themselves into cars accordingly, which means Jihoon rides with Junhui, Mingyu, Hansol, and Dino to the hotel. He’s tired, but the relief of being off the plane keeps him awake enough to pay attention to the conversation in the car, and then to have dinner with Hansol once they get to their room.  
  
Jihoon is drying off his hair after his shower when he sees the screen of his phone light up with a KakaoTalk notification. He turns the hair dryer off and sets it aside once he sees it’s from Seokmin.  
  
 **Dokyeomie** **  
** _Heading to bed. Good night, sleep well xx_ _  
_ _  
_It's a small thing but it still makes Jihoon smile and something warm prick through his heart. He’s allowed, he reasons; it’s only been a few months since he and Seokmin got together, and this isn’t a normal routine for them. Usually, Jihoon gets to kiss Seokmin goodnight before they go to their separate rooms for bed. It makes Jihoon feel like Seokmin is thinking of him, and it’s sweet, the initiative, the little _x_ s at the foot of the message.

_Going to bed soon, too. Sleep well xx_

Seokmin doesn’t respond again but the small number one next to the message bubble disappears quickly, so Jihoon knows he’s seen it. He thinks about Seokmin under the thick hotel sheets, the light of his phone screen lighting up his face, the warmth in his eyes, the faint smile he’d get after getting Jihoon’s message, and that same sweet small happiness stays with Jihoon until he’s tucking himself into bed, too.  
  
They have the next day off before they have to rehearse at the actual arena and do soundcheck, and Jihoon is planning to sleep for as long as his body wants to and then do nothing for the rest of the day.  
  
Or at least, that’s what he _had_ planned to do, before he remembers he still hasn’t talked to Seungcheol like he wanted to. It’s their first full day off in a while, and they won’t have one like this, without the tight and busy rush of a tour and activities schedule again until mid-September. Jihoon has only put it off this long because he didn’t want to bother Seungcheol on a day off, but if he just talks to him in the morning, they can both have the rest of the day to do anything else.  
  
He blindly reaches towards the nightstand and grabs his phone, quickly typing out a message for Seungcheol.

_What are you doing tomorrow? Want to have breakfast with me?_

Jihoon lies in the almost complete dark of his and Hansol’s hotel room for a few more minutes, he waiting for Seungcheol’s response and Hansol watching something on his phone from the bed next to his.  
  
 **Coups Hyung** **  
**_Really?_ _  
__Sure. Whenever we’re both awake?_ _  
__  
_Jihoon only replies with a thumbs-up sticker, glad Seungcheol has the same plan as him to sleep as much as possible.  
  
He has half a mind to be nervous, but he’s too tired to give it the half that is bothered to exert any energy, and already half asleep, and drifts off completely before long.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hansol is just about set to leave when Jihoon wakes up in the morning and they exchange brief _Good bye_ s and _Have a nice day_ before he leaves and Jihoon gets out of bed to brush his teeth and wash his face before Seungcheol gets there.  
  
When Seungcheol messages him to let him know he’s awake, Jihoon tells him he can come to his room whenever and takes his room service order.  
  
Seungcheol comes to his room just as their food is being dropped off, so he helps Jihoon carry it in and set up on the round table pushed next to the far window at Hansol’s side of the room.  
  
“Vernon-ah left already?” Seungcheol asks as he rearranges his chair to sit across from Jihoon.  
  
“Said he had plans with Dino today,” Jihoon says as he nods and pushes his chair forward.  
  
“Must be nice, being young and having so much energy,” Seungcheol mutters and the way he says it makes Jihoon laugh, like an old man with all his best years behind him. “Did you sleep well, Woozi-yah?”  
  
“Slept like twelve hours,” he rubs the side of his face as he says it, rests his elbow on the arm of the chair and his cheek against his knuckles, “you?”  
  
“Same,” Seungcheol says, nodding, “Wonu-yah was still sleeping when I left.”  
  
“Good for him,” Jihoon says quickly, almost wishing he were still asleep as well, but this is nice, too, he thinks. He’s known Seungcheol the longest out of all the members, has been friends with him the longest, and it’s something he’s always remembering when they’re together like this and the conversation flows easy and even-tempered, effortless. “I feel like we sleep so much more when we’re on tour,” Jihoon adds as an afterthought.  
  
“It’s not the same as being on regular schedule,” Seungcheol raises his eyebrows as he talks then, gaze drifting off towards the view outside the window. “We have to practice a lot before each show but it’s a more straightforward schedule than doing promotions and activities. It’d be hard to do too much at the same time. Three hour long concerts are killer.”  
  
Jihoon nods in agreement and they’re both quiet for a moment. “I don’t mind it too much though,” Jihoon says after the pause, “traveling is hard and sometimes the time difference gets annoying, but the shows are the best part, and I’m glad we get to do them together.”  
  
Seungcheol hums, nodding, then looks at Jihoon again, slow and relaxed. “As long as we’re all together, I’m okay with anything.”  
  
That’s the other thing, Jihoon thinks. It’s not just that he’s been friends with Seungcheol for so long, or that they’ve grown to understand each other so well, but Jihoon also knows and understands just how much Seungcheol loves all of them. There was always something so endearingly noble about Seungcheol, but he has only grown as a leader in the years they have all been together. Jihoon knew the pressure of the expectations that came with his role must feel impossible to carry sometimes, but he’s grateful Seungcheol was willing to do it nonetheless, and he always tries to remember to help his hyung carry the weight of it. It’s easy to trust Seungcheol, to rest against him and find a safe place with him, but Jihoon never wanted to take that for granted, wanted to meet him halfway and help whenever he could.  
  
“Hey, listen,” Jihoon says as he sits up in his seat, more matter-of-fact. “I actually have something I want to tell you,”  
  
“You mean you didn’t just want to spend time with me?” Seungcheol says with that mock offended look he got sometimes, with his eyes a little wider than usual and his mouth hanging open, fist clenched over the table.  
  
“We are spending time together,” Jihoon defends himself, “and we can keep spending time together after I tell you this.”  
  
Seungcheol makes a face at him that is equal parts petulant and unconvinced as he straightens up in his chair as well. He meets Jihoon’s gaze now and it only makes Jihoon a little nervous. He knows Seungcheol and because he does, he knows this won’t go badly, but it doesn’t stop him feeling a little embarrassed and awkward to have this conversation with his leader.  
  
“Okay, well,” Jihoon starts, nervous and already not meeting Seungcheol’s eyes anymore. “You know how, um. How you and Shua-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung are, uh. Well,” Jihoon trails off awkwardly and instead of actually finishing his sentence, he makes a vague gesture in the air with his hand to replace the word he’s looking for.  
  
“Oh,” Seungcheol says, a much more alert tone to his voice now. Jihoon glances up to see the skittish look on Seungcheol’s face, the way his ears redden and how he reaches up to rub the back of his neck as he avoids Jihoon’s gaze as well. “Yeah, I know that we’re, um. Yeah.”  
  
“Right,” Jihoon says quickly in an attempt to save Seungcheol from trying to finish the thought as well. “Well, uh. I was wondering, you know. I mean, I wanted to tell you and ask you if you would be okay with. Um, with Dokyeomie and I being. You know,” Jihoon makes the same motion in the air with his hand.  
  
There is a long pause where neither of them say anything and Jihoon doesn’t look up yet, but he can feel Seungcheol’s eyes on him then, the tables turned so that it’s Jihoon’s face that feels warm and blotchy now. He fidgets with his hand on the table, his pointer finger rubbing against his middle finger, and when he does look up at Seungcheol, the embarrassment is gone from his hyung’s face. His eyes are softer now and there is a kindness about the set of his mouth that makes Jihoon want to fold in on himself.  
  
“Yeah,” Seungcheol finally says, “of course. I mean, of course I would be okay with that. Why wouldn’t I be?”  
  
Jihoon looks down at his fingers, embarrassed to have to admit it. “I don’t know,” he mumbles, “I just. This, um. This thing with Dokyeomie is important to me, of course, but so are all of you, and I wouldn’t want to cause problems for anyone, you know?”  
  
“Did someone try to give you a hard time?” Seungcheol demands quietly, tone slightly harder than before.  
  
“No,” Jihoon says quickly, finally meeting Seungcheol’s eyes again, fond at their leader’s quick reaction to defend them. “No, that’s not what I mean. I guess I just wanted to tell you about it properly because you’re my friend, but you’re also our leader, and I know there are complications that come with things like this and our status.”  
  
“Oh,” Seungcheol says in understanding now, “I understand what you mean. If it’s the company or management you’re worried about, don’t be. I’d take care of it if it ever came to that, but there’s no reason why they should know. The other kids won’t care either, you know that. As far as anyone else, it really isn’t any of their business.”  
  
Jihoon nods, feels touched at Seungcheol’s words and knows he’s right, but hearing the words from him eases something in Jihoon that he didn’t know needed reassurance.  
  
“Did you actually think I wouldn’t be okay with you and Dokyeomie being together?” Seungcheol asks, his tone softer.  
  
“No,” Jihoon admits after a pause, “of course not. You have your thing with Shua-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung, so I knew you’d understand. I guess being personally involved just made me a little nervous.”  
  
“I get that,” Seungcheol says and nods. “Honestly, I just want you all to be happy. If you and Dokyeomie are happy together, that’s all that matters to me.” His tone is so sincere and earnest, Jihoon feels a surge of gratitude for Seungcheol. It’s what he should have known to expect from Seungcheol, but it still makes Jihoon feel comforted and happy.  
  
“Thanks, hyung,” Jihoon says and tries to sound just as sincere but he knows Seungcheol already understands. Seungcheol smiles gently and nods, and a long pause hangs between them before Jihoon speaks again. “Are you gonna tell Shua-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung about this after we’re done here?”  
  
“Not if you explicitly tell me not to,” Seungcheol answers without hesitation. Jihoon sighs and falls back against his seat, a smile involuntarily pulling at his lips.  
  
“No, it’s fine,” he says, “I’d rather you tell them and everyone else start to catch on than have to do this another ten times with the rest of the kids.”  
  
“If it makes you feel better,” Seungcheol starts tentatively, “Jenghannie started to suspect a while ago. I’m pretty sure Shua owes him money.”  
  
“I can’t answer either way,” Jihoon says and then tilts his head to look at Seungcheol again. “You don’t owe Jeonghan-hyung money?”  
  
Seungcheol visibly shudders then shakes his head. “I don’t get involved with their bets and squabbles. I’d never win, anyway, and I don’t like it when they team up against me.”  
  
That makes Jihoon laugh and nod in understanding. “Right, of course, but that’s also not what I meant.”  
  
“Oh,” Seungcheol says as he tilts his head sideways. “Honestly, it didn’t occur to me until Jeonghan pointed it out, but then I started noticing you guys spent a lot more time together, but I didn’t want to assume.” Jihoon nods at his words, and Seungcheol’s patient understanding makes Jihoon feel glad he decided to tell him.  
  
“So,” Seungcheol says tentatively after another pause, “how long?”  
  
“About three months,” Jihoon answers without having to think about it. Seokmin kissed him for the first time at the start of May, right around when they started preparing for their second world tour, and it’s the end of August now.  
  
Seungcheol purses his lips and nods, apparently satisfied with that answer. “Is there a reason why you wanted to tell me by yourself?”  
  
Jihoon shrugs. “Not really. We agreed we wouldn’t make a big deal about telling you guys, especially with the tour schedule keeping us busy, but I thought I would be straightforward with you at least. I didn’t want Dokyeomie to worry about it though, I wanted to take care of it so he wouldn’t have to, but I’ll tell him when I see him later today.” He and Seokmin haven’t made any plans together yet, but Jihoon knows he’ll see him at some point, that he’ll go to Seokmin if he doesn’t come to him first.  
  
Seungcheol nods again while he stares at Jihoon. Then he folds his arms over the table and leans forward. Dread fills Jihoon’s chest as he sees the sweet, dopey smile spread across Seungcheol’s face.  
  
“I think it’s cute,” Seungcheol coos and Jihoon scoffs.  
  
“Man, shut up.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jihoon and Seungcheol hang out for another hour before Seungcheol has to go meet Mingyu for shopping plans. Jihoon sees him off and cleans up their trays to leave outside for housekeeping before he rolls back into bed to fulfill his plans of doing absolutely nothing and not moving.  
  
He spends a long time scrolling through his phone without a single thought in his head before his phone buzzes in his hand with another message from Seokmin.  
  
 **Dokyeomie** **  
**_Hyung_ _  
__What are you doing?_

_Nothing_

**Dokyeomie** **  
**_Wanna watch a movie together?_

_Only if you come to me. Not moving any more for today._

The small one beside his message bubble disappears and when no further reply comes, Jihoon knows Seokmin is coming. It takes him another moment to realize he still needs to open the door for him and with a small sigh, he gets out of bed, leaves the door open a crack for Seokmin, and then goes right back to where he had been laying.  
  
Jihoon keeps scrolling through his phone until he hears the click of the door separating from its hinge and then another muted click as Seokmin closes it behind him softly. He glances up and watches as Seokmin sets his laptop down beside Jihoon’s feet and then practically throws himself on the bed beside Jihoon. He feels himself bounce a little while Seokmin rolls over on his stomach and lays his head on Jihoon’s chest without a word, head tucked right under Jihoon’s chin and arm thrown over his waist.  
  
“Comfortable?” Jihoon asks quietly, a chuckle tugging at his lips. He raises a hand to run his fingers through Seokmin’s slightly damp hair and smiles as he feels him tuck himself closer against Jihoon. “Did you just shower?”  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin says and Jihoon feels the warmth of his breath against his chest over the fabric of his shirt. “Went to the gym with Hoshi-hyung and Seungkwanie. Had lunch with them afterwards, showered, then I messaged you.”  
  
“I thought everyone would sleep in as much as they could, but you kids have been busy. Must be nice to have so much energy.”  
  
The atmosphere in the room shifts and Jihoon feels himself slowly relax under Seokmin, enjoys the light pressure of his weight on top of him. He thinks of being with Seungcheol, how that was comfortable as well, but in a different way. Being with Seokmin always makes him feel warm from his head to his toes and the comfort is slow and fuzzy, makes him feel dazed if he’s not careful.  
  
“When did you wake up?” Seokmin asks.  
  
“Right around noon. Vernonie had already left with Dino-yah. I had breakfast with Coups-hyung.”  
  
“Oh yeah? That sounds nice,” Seokmin mumbles, sounding just as relaxed as Jihoon feels.  
  
“Yeah. I talked to him about you and I, by the way,” Jihoon says slowly. Seokmin pauses before he finally raises his head to look at him and lifts himself up on his elbows, one forearm resting on the bed beside Jihoon and the other on top of his chest.  
  
“Really?” Seokmin says and doesn’t sound demanding or even surprised, just interested. Jihoon looks at him and nods.  
  
“Yeah. Is that okay? I’m sorry I didn’t ask first, but I wanted to take care of it without worrying you.”  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin says softly as he nods, “I’m glad you told me though. I didn’t realize you wanted to tell him.”  
  
“I still don’t want to make a big deal about telling the guys,” Jihoon says quickly. He moves the hand he had been running through Seokmin’s hair down to trace shapes over one of Seokmin’s arms now without thinking about it. “I just thought it would be a good idea to tell him about it properly.”  
  
“I understand,” Seokmin agrees, “I could have done that with you.”  
  
Jihoon shakes his head gently and flattens his hand against Seokmin’s arm. “It was no big deal,” he says, “he was very cool about it. Supportive. I just wanted you to know I talked to him, especially since he’ll probably tell Shua-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung. If he hasn’t already.”  
  
Seokmin’s laugh is soft and quiet. “Of course. Well, that’s nice. I’m glad it went well. Thank you for taking care of it,” he adds the last part with a slight furrow on his brow that Jihoon knows to mean he’s concerned he should have been there for that, but he puts his hand on the back of Seokmin’s head and tugs him down for a quick, soft kiss and the look fades away from Seokmin’s face.  
  
“What are we watching?” Jihoon asks after they break apart and watches Seokmin’s face light up. He sits up to take his laptop from the foot of the bed.  
  
“You haven’t seen the new Avengers movie yet, right?” Seokmin asks but doesn’t wait for Jihoon to respond, since he already knows the answer. “I downloaded it before we left, thought we could watch it together.”  
  
Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut, grins, and whispers a fierce _Yes_ under his breath, hears Seokmin giggle as he does it. He sits up and positions himself higher on the bed as Seokmin sets the laptop down on Jihoon’s lap and puts the movie on. Jihoon rests his head back against the headrest and opens his arms when he sees Seokmin turn to him again, lets him cuddle in against Jihoon’s chest and make himself comfortable. Jihoon quickly gets absorbed in the movie, mindlessly carding his fingers through Seokmin’s hair.  
  
They spend the afternoon like that, Seokmin a lovely, comforting pressure over Jihoon’s chest as they watch the movie. Seokmin makes impressed noises every time something that he wasn’t expecting happens, or when something particularly cool happens during a fight scene, but they talk very minimally, only making comments at certain surprising events of the movie or at really good special effects and humming in response to each other.  
  
They’re watching the credits roll and waiting for the after-credit scene when Jihoon hears the lock on the door whirr, followed by the _click_ of the door opening and closing. Neither of them move at all and Jihoon glances up to watch Hansol walk into the room, then stop to look at them.  
  
Even with Hansol’s subtle expressions, Jihoon can see the way his face shifts from mild surprise, to something doubtful, to a hesitant realization.  
  
It’s not anything new for any of them to cuddle in bed while watching movies or dramas together, but Jihoon is aware he’s one of the members least involved in the cuddling, much less to be the one to let someone else lay on top of him the way Seokmin is. Besides, even if he can’t pinpoint the way they’re doing it differently, he knows there must be something that gives them away.  
  
“Hey guys,” Hansol greets them, raising his hand in a slight wave. “How’s your day going?”  
  
Jihoon doesn’t have to see Seokmin’s face to know he’s smiling. “We’re watching the new Avengers movie.”  
  
Just like that, Hansol forgets about the picture in front of him. A different kind of light colors his face, wonderfully and quietly excited in a way that reminds Jihoon of children. It’s one of the things he loves and admires about Hansol, the way things roll off his back, how he’s entirely unphased by most things, how quick he is to accept and understand things.  
  
“Oh, yeah?” he says, kind of gasping, and starts to move around the room again, dropping the shopping bags he brought in with him by his bed. “I still have to watch it, is it good?”  
  
“It’s cool, I think you’ll like it,” Seokmin tells him. Jihoon can feel his head shift as he watches Hansol walk around. “How was your day?”  
  
“Good,” Hansol answers, nodding, “went out all day with Dino. We ate out and shopped around for a bit. I’m just dropping off this stuff before I go see Seungkwan.”  
  
Seokmin hums and Jihoon feels the vibration through his own chest. “Yeah, he told me you were hanging out tonight. I was with him this morning.”  
  
“Did you guys work out together?”  
  
“Yeah, with Hoshi-hyung.”  
  
“Nice,” Hansol nods and jerks his chin in Jihoon’s direction as he takes off his outer jacket. “How was your day, Woozi-hyung? Did you sleep a lot?”  
  
“Until noon. Ate with Coups-hyung. I’ve been laying in bed ever since.”  
  
Hansol grins at him and nods. He turns around to grab his key-card and then waves at them again as he starts to walk out. “Well, I’ll see you later, have a nice rest of your day.”  
  
“Bye!” Seokmin calls as they watch him leave. When they hear the door click shut, Jihoon makes a pained noise and shakes his head.  
  
“Too much energy. These kids should take a day off,” he says and Seokmin giggles at him.  
  
“They’re good kids, aren’t they?”  
  
Jihoon hums and nods, and then the credits fade to black and they both fall silent once more. **  
  
  
  
  
****2019**

 ******  
**Jihoon is lying on the couch scrolling through his phone when he hears a knock at his and Mingyu’s door and looks up to see Jisoo stick his head in and look around before he spots Jihoon, eyes lit up.  
  
“Hey,” he says, nodding in Jihoon’s direction, “Dokyeomie’s at rehearsals for the musical, right?”  
  
Jihoon nods, putting his phone down against his thigh.  
  
“Do you happen to know when he’ll be back?” Jisoo twists his eyebrows together but his eyes stay soft and kind, the turn of his mouth gentle and easy.  
  
“Not sure. When they’re at night, they’re usually done around ten, but he thought they might go on for longer since they’re getting close to opening nights,” Jihoon tells him.  
  
“Ah,” Jisoo’s mouth hangs open in an understanding expression, “I forgot that was starting soon. In that case, would you know where that sweater he borrowed from me is?”  
  
“The green one?” Jihoon asks and Jisoo nods quickly. “If he recently washed it, it’s probably hung up in his closet, otherwise I wouldn’t know.”  
  
Jisoo nods and smiles one of his sweet, gentlemanly smiles. “I’ll check there, thanks.”  
  
“Sure. Are you going out?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jisoo nods, “Vernonie and I are going out to watch a movie.”  
  
“Oh, have fun,” Jihoon nods once and Jisoo’s smile widens as he vaguely waves in Jihoon’s direction and then disappears out the door again.  
  
Jihoon picks up his phone again, but his mindless scrolling turns a little distracted. It’s a thing that happens quite a bit now: other members coming to him and asking him questions regarding Seokmin any time he’s not around, especially since he’s started his personal schedule for rehearsals and is often not around even when they have down time.  
  
Jihoon never minds. It makes him feel a little proud and warm inside, that people assume he knows the most about Seokmin. He didn’t need any confirmation, but it reminds him that people see them as a couple now, and that is its own novelty.  
  
It does make him think of how little he’s gotten to see Seokmin in the last few weeks, though, really see him and spend time with him outside of their activities. Between rehearsals for _Xcalibur_ , Seventeen activities and broadcasts, and Jihoon’s hours and nights in the studio, they haven’t had a lot of opportunities to spend time together alone. It’s something that comes with their careers and schedules, something Jihoon understands, but it doesn’t stop him missing Seokmin.  
  
It’s a silly notion, he thinks. He’s still with Seokmin all the time, still sees him constantly. He’s lucky the person he likes is in the same group as him, so even when they’re busy or on tour, they’re still travelling together, still living in the same dorm even if they’re on different floors.  
  
But it’s been a while since they’ve had a tea night where they stay up late talking, or even watched dramas together, both of them too busy and too tired, and somehow, Jihoon doesn’t feel those are the same as sitting next to each other on the ride over to production sets or fooling around with everyone else during filming breaks.  
  
Jihoon doesn’t have to wonder if he’s greedy, he already knows he is. The idea that he might one day stop aching for Seokmin as intensely as he did when they first started dating has long gone out the window. He feels hungrier for Seokmin’s attention than he used to, finds himself going out of his way to get Seokmin to pay attention to him; he’s caught himself thinking about it when he leans his full weight against Seokmin while he laughs at something, or purposely stands closer to him with his chest pressed against Seokmin’s shoulder, or casually running a hand through Seokmin’s hair while he’s talking, little things he knows other people will quickly forget but that he knows will make Seokmin distracted. Jihoon always knows he’s won when he feels Seokmin pause beside him, when he turns his head and stares at Jihoon with his smiling eyes for so long, it feels like time’s stopped.  
  
It’s greedy and a little selfish and Jihoon still can’t make himself stop. Lately, it’s like he can be in the same room as Seokmin and still feel the ache of missing him like something has chipped away from his heart. It’s silly and a little embarrassing and he probably wouldn’t ever tell anyone, maybe, but now that Jisoo has come in and reminded Jihoon he won’t be able to see Seokmin tonight, he can’t stop thinking about it. Seokmin will be too tired after rehearsal, Jihoon is tired himself even after an afternoon off and even though not seeing each other for a night or two has become very normal for them, Jihoon feels inexplicably sad and regretful about it tonight.  
  
A small seed of a thought plants itself in his mind and nudges at him gently until the time Jihoon decides he’s tired enough for bed, but he still doesn’t really think about it too much, lets himself act without acknowledging it. He goes into his room and picks out some clothes to change into the next day, then into his and Mingyu’s bathroom to grab some of his toiletries, and then he walks down to Seokmin’s floor.  
  
He’s been in Seokmin’s room probably a million times before, but he doesn’t think he has ever been in it without Seokmin there as well. Jihoon sets his stuff down on top of Seokmin’s dresser and looks around a little bit.  
  
The bed is made and the curtains are drawn shut. The little orange light tells Jihoon that Seokmin’s desktop is set on sleep mode. There’s a notebook and a few loose papers beside the keyboard, a mug that Jihoon doesn’t have to look into to know it still has something inside. A few books are stacked on the end of the desk and Jihoon skims over the titles from where he’s standing.  
  
Slowly, the ache in his chest eases just a little. It’s an obvious, odd thing he didn’t really realize before, maybe because he’s only had roommates since they’ve been in the dorms and has had to share his room with other people. But Seokmin got to have his own room in the new arrangement and Jihoon is only now noticing all the pieces of Seokmin scattered around (his spare pair of slippers under his desk, a jacket thrown over the back his chair, some clothes poking out of the drawers where Seokmin didn’t close them properly); somehow, it makes him feel wrapped in Seokmin, warm and comfortable.  
  
He turns off the light, leaves his phone on Seokmin’s nightstand, and crawls under Seokmin’s covers, curls around himself on his side and falls asleep quickly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The feeling of the bed dipping low beside him makes him wake up, only slightly disoriented.  
  
He must have made a sound or moved in some way that let Seokmin know he was awake because he pauses his movements before slipping into bed slowly, moving a hand over Jihoon’s shoulder.  
  
“Hey,” he whispers into the dark room and Jihoon blinks, trying to get his eyes used to it. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”  
  
Jihoon hums and it sounds rough and groggy even to him, so he swallows around the dryness in his mouth before he can speak in a quiet voice. “No, ‘m okay, why?”  
  
“Nothing,” Seokmin mumbles as he strokes Jihoon’s shoulder and his arm over the covers. “Nothing, I was just surprised to see you here.”  
  
Jihoon has to stop and think about it. He can’t really tell if it’s eleven at night or three in the morning and other than Seokmin’s voice and his gentle hand, it’s kind of hard to focus on anything while he’s still half asleep.  
  
“Oh,” he says, remembering where he is. “ ‘m sorry. I didn’t even think about it before comin’ here. Should’ve asked you first.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Seokmin assures him, “I don’t mind. It just caught me off guard to come in and see you here.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jihoon says again, eyes finally adjusted enough that he can make out the shape of Seokmin’s body sitting up beside him, the desk and the chair across from them. He would have to turn his head up to look at Seokmin but that still feels beyond his capabilities for now. “I’m sorry, I just missed you a lot tonight and then I came here without thinking.”  
  
“Oh,” Seokmin whispers this time and his hand on Jihoon’s shoulder stills for a moment before starting up again. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize, I really don’t mind. I would tell you if I minded,” he says, and that makes Jihoon feel better. “Now that I know nothing’s wrong, it’s kind of nice. I like you being here.”  
  
Jihoon blindly reaches up until he finds Seokmin's shoulder and he can tug him down. He can hear Seokmin’s breathy laugh, always amused when Jihoon turns needy and demanding, but he doesn’t care, just needs Seokmin close. He tugs until Seokmin gets the idea and lays on his side as well, cuddling up close against Jihoon under the sheets. He wraps around Seokmin like a koala, arms around his torso, one leg tucked between Seokmin’s and the other thrown over his thigh. Seokmin wraps his own arms around Jihoon and pulls him impossibly closer, completely easing the ache in Jihoon’s chest and instead filling it up with Seokmin’s warmth and the smell of his conditioner. He feels Seokmin kiss the top of his head and sighs deeply.  
  
“How was rehearsal?” he remembers to ask, even through his sleepy comfort.  
  
“Good,” Seokmin answers, the fingers against Jihoon’s back tracing over the arch of his spine. “Minimal mistakes. I’d still like to do better, but I’ll probably never stop feeling that way. Hyung?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon responds quickly, quietly, softly.  
  
“You’ll come see the show, right?”  
  
“Of course,” Jihoon makes sure that even in the soft and fuzzy quiet, his voice still carries a tone that tells Seokmin that should have been obvious. “I have the cast schedule downloaded on my phone so I can go on a night you’re on.”  
  
“Okay,” Seokmin says and Jihoon can just make out the soft smile on his face, though he wouldn’t need to, can feel the slight puff of air Seokmin releases as he smiles with how close they are, “thank you.”  
  
Jihoon nods and moves his head forward to give Seokmin a quick kiss. He doesn’t move very far back, stays close enough their noises brush together whenever one of them moves a little.  
  
“You’re so silly,” he mumbles and closes his eyes again, the slow warmth and comfort of being with Seokmin in his bed making him sleepy again. “Of course I’m gonna go see my own boyfriend’s performance. What a question.”  
  
He hears Seokmin giggle quietly, feels the way the tip of his nose curves and it makes something incredibly fond burst in Jihoon’s chest, makes him so endeared and soft inside he can’t help but smile even as he starts to drift off. He’s tired and comfortable and so happy he doesn’t think he would be able to verbally describe it.  
  
“Good night, hyung,” he only barely hears Seokmin whisper.  
  
“Good night, Dokyeom-ah,” he whispers back, “I love you.”  
  
He’s so tired and more than halfway asleep, he misses the way Seokmin pauses, unsure if he heard Jihoon right or not. By the time Seokmin realizes that yes, he did, because there is no way he would miss that, and he tucks Jihoon’s head against his chest and under his chin, Jihoon is already fast asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jihoon wakes up again once it’s morning, the sound of a phone alarm blaring into the still quiet of Seokmin’s bedroom.  
  
When he opens his eyes, he can see beams of sunlight gently spilling in from the small space where the curtains meet, casting short, fuzzy shadows over the room. Seokmin’s room is colder in the morning and Jihoon is glad for the way Seokmin is tightly wrapped around him, his chin tucked over Jihoon’s head and his arms around him completely.  
  
It doesn’t stop him being upset at the alarm, though.  
  
“What time is it?” Jihoon croaks, voice thick and raspy with sleep. He stretches his legs away from him and resists the urge to shove Seokmin away, as if that would quiet the damn thing.  
  
“Like, eight, I think,” Seokmin says and his voice is so much quieter in the morning, less smooth, more of a cracked, whispery thing. Jihoon groans.  
  
“It’s too early. We don’t have anywhere to be until after noon. Turn it off.”  
  
Seokmin rolls away from him to get to his phone and Jihoon would take a moment to lament that if his fight instinct hadn’t been awakened so suddenly.  
  
“Sorry,” Seokmin whispers once he gets his phone in his hand and silences it. “I had it set up before our schedule changed and forgot to change the alarm.”  
  
Jihoon groans again and turns to his other side with his back to Seokmin, annoyed he’s awake and trying to find a position he’s comfortable in again.  
  
He hears a rustling noise behind him, the soft sound of fabric dragging against the sheets, and then feels the warmth of Seokmin’s chest pressed against his back, Seokmin’s arms tucking themselves around his waist again. It’s easy and comfortable and a quick way to smooth down Jihoon’s feathers and cool his temper.  
  
(It’s amazing, really, the effect Seokmin often has on him, how quickly he can turn Jihoon into something warm and soft, ripe peeled peaches left out in the sun, sunlight shining through honey, makes him feel sweet and gooey at the center. He’d never admit it to Seokmin, makes him feel like he might lose the upper hand, but Jihoon has a strong suspicion Seokmin might already know without Jihoon having to tell him, that he’s been able to see right through Jihoon for longer than Jihoon has realized.)  
  
He’s not quite asleep yet but drifting through waves and levels of comfort and drowsiness when he feels Seokmin kiss right behind his ear, then a little lower, then right where his shoulder meets his neck, and Jihoon can’t help the way he sighs long and deep or how he tucks himself further against Seokmin’s neck.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says quietly, and Jihoon suspects that were it any other case, Seokmin would have been quick to go right back to sleep, but as it is, Seokmin is probably too excited. Jihoon brought it upon himself, he’s the one who crawled into Seokmin’s bed when the owner wasn’t even around, and it’s the first time they’ve properly woken up together, in the same bed, and that probably means there’s some level of responsibility he should take.  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon hums, comfortable and a little defeated.  
  
Seokmin doesn’t answer. Instead, he wraps his arms tighter around Jihoon’s waist, pulls him in until they’re pressed flush together and kisses the side of his neck, under Jihoon’s jaw, against his cheek, over his temple, wherever he can reach in the position they’re in, apparently.  
  
“Dokyeom-ah,” Jihoon says, confused and a little flustered.  
  
There’s some shuffling around as Seokmin throws a leg over both of Jihoon’s and tries to lay on top of him without letting go of Jihoon’s waist at all.  
  
He kind of accomplishes it; he turns Jihoon on his back and straddles his legs, holds himself up with his arms under Jihoon, his forearms flat under Jihoon’s ribs and his hands spread against his shoulder blades. He’s still pressing flower petal light kisses against Jihoon’s skin: to his collarbones and each end of his jaw, the apples of his cheeks, a quick one to his lips, one to the tip of his nose before he goes back to the smooth skin behind Jihoon’s ears.  
  
Jihoon feels fully awake now and more than a little confused and startled, plenty flushed warm to the tip of his toes.  
  
“Dokyeom-ah,” he says again and when Seokmin’s only response is to kiss his chin, he makes a face and raises his voice a little, “Dokyeom-aaaaahhh.”  
  
He only stops because Seokmin gives him another quick kiss on the lips and finally raises himself up enough that Jihoon can properly see his face. His hair is fluffy and messy from sleep, there’s a mark on his cheek from a pillowcase fold he must have slept against, and his eyes look a little darker than usual, like he didn’t do a very good job at taking off his makeup and left mascara around his eyes. But there’s a dazed smile on his lips and his eyes look warm and content and he looks so sleep soft and cute, it goes right to Jihoon’s heart and makes him feel like sticky melted honey all over again.  
  
“What are you doing?” Jihoon still asks, but he stops himself from calling Seokmin a maniac. **  
****  
**“Hyung,” Seokmin says and leans down to give him another quick kiss. Jihoon stares at him. “Don’t kick me off the bed, okay?”  
  
“It’s your bed,” Jihoon says simply, still staring at Seokmin. He grins at that, all the way to his eyes, and kisses Jihoon again, still smiling. Jihoon can’t bring himself to complain at all.  
  
“Hyung,” he starts again, “you looked so cute when I came in last night, all soft and sleepy,” he says, eyes soft and still smiling, and Jihoon makes an annoyed sound and shoves at Seokmin’s shoulder, but he goes on, “and you look so pretty in the morning, hyung, I mean it.”  
  
“Stop it, you crazy person, that’s so cheesy,” Jihoon says and even he can hear the borderline whine in his voice as he pushes at Seokmin’s shoulder with the palm of his hand.  
  
“It’s not cheesy, I mean it,” Seokmin says, like that’s supposed to make Jihoon feel less embarrassed and his face less warm.  
  
It’s one thing to think those things, like Jihoon does, and another to say them aloud, like Seokmin does. He’s always saying soft, corny things like that to Jihoon, always with that bright, dopey smile on his face and not an ounce of shame or embarrassment, and Jihoon doesn’t know how he does it.  
  
(Jihoon still lays awake in bed sometimes, thinking about the one time they spent so long kissing and making out under the dim light of their kitchen, Jihoon was convinced he’d never need air again, not if he was kissing Seokmin and sharing the same huff of air he was, if he just breathed in when Seokmin breathe out. When they did eventually pull apart, not very far apart, Seokmin’s eyes had been dark and heavy lidded and Jihoon had no idea what his own face looked like, but he could feel how plump his lips were from kissing and how warm his cheeks must have been and he felt like was losing his goddamn mind and then Seokmin ran his thumb over Jihoon’s bottom lip like he did sometimes and said _Hyung, you’re so pretty like this,_ and Jihoon thought he might have cried if Seokmin hadn’t kissed him again.)  
  
“I know you do,” Jihoon says with a scrunched up look on his face, “that doesn’t make it better.” But Seokmin is still looking at him so earnestly and unbothered by Jihoon’s embarrassment, and Jihoon sighs and runs a hand through Seokmin’s hair in an attempt to meet him halfway. Jihoon watches as Seokmin’s expression relaxes, how he giggles softly and presses up into Jihoon’s hand, always so kind and understanding.  
  
“Well, I’m awake now,” Jihoon says, “hand me my phone, please?”  
  
Seokmin leans down to give Jihoon one last kiss on his cheek before he lets him go and grabs Jihoon’s phone off the nightstand. Jihoon takes it from him and rolls to his side again, once again facing Seokmin as he cuddles against him.  
  
He’s got a couple of emails, a KakaoTalk message from Mingyu, probably asking where he went off to last night, and a few social media notifications, which he opens first to have something to look through that he doesn’t have to think about too hard.  
  
He can feel Seokmin’s fingers rubbing his side over his shirt and Seokmin’s eyes on him, but he won’t mention it until Seokmin says something first.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says eventually, a few minutes after Jihoon has been on his phone, voice softer, light and almost shy, though Jihoon isn’t sure why.  
  
“Dokyeom-ah,” Jihoon says back.  
  
There’s a long pause that Jihoon doesn’t pay much mind to and Seokmin’s fingers go from rubbing his side to fidgeting with the hem of Jihoon’s shirt. “Hyung, do you maybe, um. Remember what you said last night?”  
  
Jihoon finishes reading the end of an Instagram post before he answers. “When?” he asks, aware he said a couple of different things the night before.  
  
“Um,” Seokmin says nervously, and that makes Jihoon stop paying attention to his phone, but he doesn’t put it down yet, if only to give Seokmin a filter between them, in case he needs it. “Like, right around when you fell asleep?”  
  
Jihoon thinks about it for a moment. Honestly, if Seokmin hadn’t said anything, he probably would have assumed he dreamt those words, would never be sure if he actually said them and would be too embarrassed to ask. But the way Seokmin is asking, shy and nervous and when Jihoon is conveniently not looking him in the eye makes Jihoon think he knows exactly what he’s asking and clears up any doubts of whether it was real or not.  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon says quietly now, too, and puts his phone face down on the bed, meets Seokmin’s eyes. “I remember.”  
  
“Oh,” Seokmin says quickly with a nod and looks away from Jihoon’s eyes, fiddles with the hem of Jihoon’s shirt harder. “Okay, yeah, I just. I wasn’t sure if I heard you right or not and then, well, and then I was thinking about how maybe you didn’t mean it that way, just the normal way we all say to each other, that’s all,” he says and he says it all kind of quickly like he does sometimes when he’s particularly embarrassed and Jihoon has to concentrate to make sure he understands everything Seokmin is saying.  
  
“Dokyeom-ah,” Jihoon says and Seokmin pouts a little but still looks at Jihoon again and it makes him smile, makes Jihoon feel so fond and endeared, he grabs Seokmin’s face with one hand and strokes his cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. “I meant it that way. I’m in love with you. Is that okay?”  
  
Seokmin nods, quick and short, and reaches up to wrap his fingers gently around Jihoon’s wrist. “Of course it’s okay,” he says softly and the light reflecting off his eyes is warm and gentle, “I love you, too. I would have said it first if I didn’t think it would have made you feel embarrassed.”  
  
“It would have,” Jihoon agrees, “it’s better that I said it first. I’m glad I got to say it first. I love you,” he says again and watches, marveled, how it makes Seokmin turn pink from the apples of his cheeks, to his collarbones. “I love you,” he repeats, infinitely softer, and leans forward to kiss Seokmin like he means it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(That is one, of the many, truly wonderful things about the way Jihoon feels about Seokmin, that one way or another, there has always been love there, that Jihoon always cared for Seokmin as one of his precious people before he turned into someone Jihoon loved so deeply, he ached and longed for Seokmin, felt like a marble statue with a missing piece when Seokmin wasn’t around and like lightning had gone through him when Seokmin touched him, felt tender and soft under Seokmin’s hands like warm fruit, like a flower swaying in the breeze, and came alive, hot and wound up, when Seokmin looked at him just right for too long.  
  
Jihoon has written a lot of songs during their career and will continue to write many more still; there are songs about Seokmin, or songs he wrote thinking of him, songs with lines that only he would understand how they reminded him of Seokmin, some he wrote about other people that he had known and had built up in his head until he brought them crashing down, and some he weaved out of dreams and musings of the way he thought certain things would feel, and _yet_ .  
  
He still didn’t think he had words to describe how he loved Seokmin, how being loved by him made Jihoon feel, and maybe that was the way it was supposed to be anyway.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Two nights later, Seokmin messages Jihoon while he’s in the studio and asks him to spend the night in his room again.  
  
It’s a little different this time, if only because they actually get to _go to bed together_ this time. After stopping by his room to get his things and tell Mingyu where he’ll be, he goes right to Seokmin’s room.  
  
They’re standing side by side in Seokmin’s bathroom while they brush their teeth when Seokmin picks up Jihoon’s toothpaste tube to read the label.  
  
“Hyung, you have sensitive teeth?” he asks through a mouthful of toothbrush and toothpaste, over the buzzing sound of both of their toothbrushes. Jihoon nods and keeps staring at Seokmin through their reflections in the mirror when he takes a while to say anything else. “It’s probably ‘cause of all the ‘Cola you drink.”  
  
The hand Jihoon is using to brush his teeth stills as he turns his head to look at Seokmin with the most deadpan expression he can manage while he has toothpaste foam in the corners of his mouth. Seokmin has to turn his head to see it and when he does, his eyes widen in a very deer-caught-in-the-headlights sort of look before he averts his gaze.  
  
“Don’t talk with toothpaste in your mouth,” Jihoon says, then resumes his teeth brushing and looks away from Seokmin.  
  
“Does it gross you out?” Seokmin asks, innocent.  
  
“No, you’re just being annoying,” Jihoon says back before he bends over the sink to rinse his mouth. He hears Seokmin chuckle over the sound of the faucet running and shakes his head when Seokmin nudges his hip.  
  
“Sorry,” Seokmin says as Jihoon straightens back up and starts drying off his mouth, “I won’t comment on your soda consumption anymore.”  
  
“That’s all I’m asking for.” Jihoon crosses his arms over his chest and leans his hip against the edge of the bathroom counter as he watches Seokmin bend over the sink and follow suit. Even with the back and forth, it’s easy and domestic, makes warm feelings bloom in Jihoon’s chest and catch root and he quickly realizes he could get very used to this, if he’s not careful. It’d be nice, probably, to go to bed with Seokmin every night, do their before bed routines together and fall asleep holding each other under Seokmin’s bed covers. Other than the nights when he works late and sleeps in his studio, Jihoon would never have to worry about not getting to spend time alone with Seokmin during the day.  
  
He watches Seokmin towel off his mouth and wonders how much will be enough for him, when he’ll decide he has enough portions of Seokmin each day to keep him full and sated. Sometimes, when he’s tired and has spent too many hours in a row by himself, when he gets a little stuck in his own head, he wonders when _Seokmin_ will feel like it’s enough, if there might come a day when he tires of Jihoon constantly asking for his attention and clinging to him like a vine that’s grown up the wall. He never seems like he minds, of course, but Jihoon wonders how much of that is due to Seokmin’s soft heart and never-ending kindness, and how much is from the feeling of needing to be in each other’s orbit all the time, like Jihoon feels.  
  
Seokmin lets him climb into bed first so he can choose the side of the bed he wants, then follows in after him. Jihoon can feel the beginnings of his yearning tugging at the tethers of his heart as he watches Seokmin try to find a comfortable way to lay on his side, the signal flares that make him feel all wound up inside until he can wrap himself around Seokmin like a koala.  
  
He shuffles closer and tucks one leg between Seokmin’s knees, wraps an arm around Seokmin’s waist, and finally breathes out when Seokmin tucks himself into Jihoon’s chest. They’re sharing one pillow so they can lay close together and Jihoon can just make out Seokmin’s face in the dark, the faint smile on his lips that he’s become so familiar with.  
  
Jihoon feels content enough to lay together in silence until they both fall asleep, but he quickly learns Seokmin can’t stay quiet for too long.  
  
“Hyung,” he says, whisper soft and tender against the darkness of his room. Jihoon makes a humming sound in response and wraps his arm more securely round Seokmin’s waist so he can rub slow circles on the small of his back. “Do you like pet names?”  
  
“What?” Jihoon asks after a pause, moves his head so he can get a better look at Seokmin’s face and pay proper attention to him.  
  
“Yeah, like, terms of endearment or,” he starts to explain and Jihoon can tell by the way Seokmin is curling against him that it makes him a little shy, “couple’s names, like _sweetheart_ or _darling._ ”  
  
It makes Jihoon laugh softly. He shrugs and moves his hand under Seokmin’s shirt, presses the flat of his hand against Seokmin’s back. “I don’t know,” he hums quietly, “no one’s ever called me stuff like that seriously. Hoshi-yah sometimes calls me stuff like that casually. Why, do you wanna call each other stuff like that?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Seokmin says back with a shrug of his own, “I was just thinking about it, but isn’t it kind of embarrassing to say it seriously?”  
  
Jihoon puckers his lips out while he thinks about it and finds Seokmin’s eyes in the dark. “I don’t mind that you call me _hyung_ or _Woozi-hyung_ , but we can also try other stuff if you really want to,” Jihoon suggests.  
  
Seokmin seems to think about it for a moment, stares at an off-focus point beside Jihoon’s eyes for a moment, then nods. “Sure. Actually, I only started thinking about it because I accidentally heard Vernonie call Seungkwan-ah _baby_ the other day, but that’s also kind of why it makes me embarrassed too,” Seokmin explains, but Jihoon is laughing before he’s even finished talking and it makes Seokmin smile and huff out small laughs as well. “I kind of wish I had been able to see his face,” Seokmin goes on, “it’s hard to imagine what Vernonie’s face would look like when he says stuff like that.”  
  
“Shut up, no it’s not,” Jihoon says, still laughing, “like you’ve never seen those two make moon eyes at each other everywhere. They’re the worst.”  
  
“They’ve calmed down since our trainee days,” Seokmin defends them after a bout of giggles and Jihoon notices the way his eyes go soft and honey-sweet, how he’s rubbing circles over Jihoon’s arm with his thumb.  
  
“We can still try them if you want,” he offers again, “not that it makes a difference, but I would be okay with it if you ever felt like it. I don’t think I could say something like that without making it sound like a joke for a while, though.”  
  
“That’s fair,” Seokmin says through a grin as he nods.  
  
Jihoon feels incredibly full of love like this: with his whole body wrapped around Seokmin and the two of them laughing softly over things they’re familiar with, feels warm and content with Seokmin’s breath against his neck and his fingers over his skin.  
  
“Hey,” Jihoon says after they’re quiet for a while.  
  
“Yeah?” Seokmin responds and his expression is still soft and fuzzy when Jihoon looks at him, not quite sleepy yet but relaxed.  
  
“Do you ever get tired of being with me?” Jihoon asks quietly and even before he sees the way Seokmin furrows his brows together, he knows the way he worded it sounds callous. “I mean,” he tries again, “do you ever feel like we spend too much time together?”  
  
He can feel the way Seokmin watches him before he responds, but in the dark, Jihoon doesn’t mind meeting his gaze and watching him back. “You actually mean the other thing, don’t you?” Seokmin finally asks.  
  
Jihoon shrugs. “Only a little. It’s only something I think sometimes, like. If I ever get annoying to you, or. I don’t know, if you secretly want me to tone it down but are too nice to say anything about it.”  
  
Jihoon feels silly even as he says it, because feeling insecure is not something he does often, and for the most part, he doesn’t feel insecure or doubtful about his relationship with Seokmin at all. And yet, sometimes he second guesses his understanding of Seokmin’s signs and if there is even the smallest possibility he’s right, he’d want to know.  
  
Seokmin listens to him patiently and never stops rubbing tender circles against the skin of Jihoon’s arm. He waits until he’s sure Jihoon is done before he sits up enough to rest his elbow against the pillow and his head in his hand so he can watch Jihoon properly.  
  
“Okay,” Seokmin says as he nods, “off the bat, let’s get one thing clear, okay? If something you did ever bothered me, I would tell you, because I know you and I trust you, and I know you would listen to me and understand.”  
  
Seokmin doesn’t raise his voice at all. In fact, he’s still whispering in the soft, tender way they did when they were talking about pet names, and something about it makes Jihoon feel equal parts ridiculous and comforted by it. Ridiculous because he _does_ know that, actually, has heard Seokmin say something similar before and knows he’d rather cut his hand off than do something that would make Seokmin uncomfortable; comforted by the soft, easy way Seokmin handles Jihoon’s feelings, how quick he is to communicate about things, how understanding he is.  
  
He nods, just so Seokmin can see he’s listening and understanding.  
  
“Besides that,” Seokmin goes on and moves his hand down, takes Jihoon’s hand from under his shirt and intertwines their fingers together. “I don’t get tired of being with you. I know we’re technically kind of always together, but I always feel like being together with everyone isn’t the same as the way we’re alone together now.”  
  
Jihoon stares at their hands held together until he can make out the shape of his fingers from Seokmin’s, can see the way their Seventeen rings clink together. “I know,” he admits, “I think that, too. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
  
“Don’t apologize,” Seokmin says as he shakes his head and lays back down on the same pillow, “I’m glad you told me, because now we can talk about it and you don’t have to feel doubtful anymore.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon mumbles softly, still watching their hands. “Sometimes,” he whispers, “I just want all of your attention all to myself and I never know how much is enough because I just. Like being with you all the time, even if we don’t talk, just having you near is enough, and when we don’t get to be alone like this, I start to miss you even when we’re in the same room.”  
  
Seokmin holds his hand tighter and stays quiet for a while, but when Jihoon turns his head up to look at him again, he’s smiling in the way that makes Jihoon feel like he’s standing in the center of the focus of all of Seokmin’s love and affection, warmth dripping from his eyes and honey spilling out of the corner of his lips, tender and kind.  
  
“Wow hyung, you’re like, really in love with me,” Seokmin whispers faux surprised and Jihoon shoves their held hands against Seokmin’s thigh but doesn’t let go.  
  
“Shut up,” he whispers, annoyed, but it’s enough to diffuse the feeling in Jihoon’s chest, helps him not take himself so seriously.  
  
“I’m kidding,” Seokmin whispers back, “I feel that way, too. Seriously,” he insists when Jihoon gives him a look, “I do. You’re so loved by everyone, hyung, and I’m glad you are, you deserve it. But everyone wants a piece of your attention. It makes me feel special that I can have you all to myself like this, that you want me as much as I want you, and it’s easy to crave that feeling more and more.”  
  
Jihoon watches Seokmin as he talks and feels some sort of dam in his chest burst open, feels absolutely overcome with his feelings for Seokmin. It’s one thing to be loved by the person you love, Jihoon thinks, and another to learn all of his yearning and longing is returned so equally. Seokmin, who is so kind and gentle, wanting Jihoon as deeply as he wants Seokmin, making Jihoon feel like the object of his love is such an overwhelming feeling. It makes Jihoon’s chest feel tight, like his sternum might crack open with all the love he feels, heart and all.  
  
“Wow,” Jihoon says after a long while, and when his tone immediately sounds nasal and mimicky, Seokmin laughs. “You’re super in love with me, aren’t you?”  
  
It’s nice, that he and Seokmin understand each other so well, that they can be serious and open with each other in the same breath as they can be funny and mock each other.  
  
Jihoon stares at him as Seokmin laughs, lays still when Seokmin takes his face in his hands so he can kiss Jihoon, and lets himself be kissed, leans in to it and revels in the way Seokmin whispers _I love you_ against Jihoon’s mouth, loves the way Seokmin smiles into their kiss.  
  
“I love you, too,” Jihoon responds when Seokmin pulls away from him and brushes their noses together.  
  
Seokmin starts to wiggle around back to the position they were in when they first laid down and Jihoon lets him, only laughing a little every time Seokmin touches him somewhere he’s ticklish.  
  
“Time for bed?” Jihoon says once Seokmin’s tucked against his chest again and Jihoon can wrap himself around his boyfriend, one arm under Seokmin’s neck and the other wrapped around his waist. Seokmin nods and Jihoon feels the way his hair moves against the crook of his neck, the two of them pressed together as close as they can be in this position. He rests his hand over Jihoon’s forearm, goes back to rubbing circles against his skin with his thumb, and it’s all so slow and comforting, Jihoon falls asleep faster than he means to.  
  
He wakes up again a few hours later, though, when he feels Seokmin slip away from his hold. He opens his eyes just as Seokmin is sitting straight up in bed. Jihoon stares at him from where he’s laying down and, for a split, half asleep moment, it occurs to him that Seokmin looks like one of those possessed people in horror movies, sitting up so straight and suddenly.  
  
“What’s the matter?” Jihoon manages to croak out, mouth thick and dry.  
  
“I need to clear out a drawer,” Seokmin says, voice as clear as if he were awake, but even in the late darkness of night, Jihoon can see his eyes are closed.  
  
“What?” Jihoon says too late, Seokmin already climbing out of bed and walking towards his dresser.  
  
He knows they say waking up people while they’re sleep-walking is dangerous, but Jihoon doesn’t actually know if it’s true or not, and he’s never seen anyone do it either. He knew Seokmin talked in his sleep, had complete conversations with himself, and Seungkwan had once talked about a night when Seokmin walked out of bed to do things, but this is still the first Jihoon is seeing it for himself.  
  
Jihoon sits up, holds his weight on his elbow, and decides to watch Seokmin from the bed, too unsure of waking him up and a little scared he might hurt himself in his sleep. He watches as Seokmin opens the top drawer of his dresser and takes out a stack of folded clothes, then another and another, and sets each of them on top of the dresser.  
  
“There,” Seokmin says as he closes the drawer, “now Woozi-hyung can put his stuff here when he stays over.”  
  
“Oh,” Jihoon realizes as he watches Seokmin pick up the stack of clothes and take them to his closet where he starts organizing them on the shelves.  
  
As odd a time it is to do this, Jihoon still feels inexplicably fond at the gesture. He’s got his own drawer now, like one of those couples that don’t quite live together yet but are starting to spend way too much time at each other’s apartments.  
  
 _Still,_ Jihoon thinks, _my room is right upstairs._  
  
When Seokmin starts walking back to bed, Jihoon picks up the covers and tucks Seokmin in again.  
  
“Time for bed,” Seokmin says this time, and Jihoon feels so endeared, he can’t help the way he strokes Seokmin’s hair back gently as he lays down beside him again.  
  
They wake up to an alarm set correctly this time, but they have a few minutes before they actually have to get out of bed that they spend cuddling and talking.  
  
Seokmin seems to quickly realize they’re no longer tangled around each other when he wakes up and makes up for it by rolling over and pressing himself to Jihoon’s chest, an adorably sleepy smile on his face. Jihoon accommodates immediately by hugging Seokmin close and running a hand through his sleep-mussed hair.  
  
He still feels too tired to talk, but the image of Seokmin sitting up in bed in the dark is at the forefront of his mind as soon as he wakes up.  
  
“Dude,” Jihoon mumbles, sleepy and thick, “you, like. Got up last night and took the clothes from your top drawer to your closet.”  
  
Seokmin hums and moves his head so he can press his nose against the front of Jihoon’s neck. Jihoon moves the hand in Seokmin’s hair and tucks Seokmin’s head under his chin, moves his other hand to rub circles between Seokmin’s shoulders.  
  
“Did I say why?” he mumbles against Jihoon’s neck, lips brushing his skin faintly.  
  
“You said you were clearing out a drawer for me,” Jihoon tells him.  
  
“Oh,” Seokmin drags it out with the tone of someone who’s realized something. “That’s nice, I did mean to do that.”  
  
“What?” Jihoon laughs softly. “Do you only do chores in your sleep? Is that why your room’s always so messy?”  
  
That makes Seokmin laugh too, and Jihoon feels it against his collarbones, the shape of Seokmin’s smile, the huff of his laugh sending goosebumps running along his skin. “Hyung, my room isn’t always messy, what are you talking about?”  
  
“Whatever,” Jihoon says, still smiling. “I didn’t know how to stop you, but you didn’t have to do that. I live right upstairs, you know.”  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin agrees, “but I thought this might be more comfortable. Instead of taking your stuff back and forth, you can just keep some here, unless you don’t want to, of course.”  
  
Jihoon shrugs lightly. “I don’t really mind if you don’t.”  
  
“I don’t mind. Drawer’s yours. I can make space in the bathroom for your stuff there, too.”  
  
“Okay, thanks,” Jihoon says easily and tilts his head to kiss the top of Seokmin’s head. “You should be careful. At this rate, I might not want to leave again.”  
  
“Promise?” Seokmin whispers and Jihoon grins against the crown of his head.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
In mid-July, Jihoon takes a night off to see Seokmin’s musical.  
  
Other than their manager, he goes by himself. He wasn’t sure what to expect of the show, but is pleasantly surprised by how much he enjoys it. He isn’t sure how much of that is due to the pride he feels at seeing Seokmin shine on stage and how much of it has to do with whether it’s a well written musical or not, but it doesn’t really matter in the end. Jihoon knows how hard Seokmin has been working and preparing for this. He’s glad Seokmin has the opportunity to add something he really wanted to do to his career and proud of the performance he puts on.  
  
By the end of the show, he can’t get the ear to ear smile off his face as the audience stands for the applause, he’s so happy for his boyfriend.  
  
They wait until some of the crowd dissipates before their manager takes Jihoon backstage to meet with Seokmin, and he makes impressed noises and laughs when he sees Seokmin waiting for them at the door.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says through a laugh. Jihoon can tell he’s flustered by the way Seokmin tilts his head back when he sees Jihoon’s reaction and how he grins and ducks his head to talk to Jihoon as he guides him inside the backstage area with an arm around his shoulders. “What did you think?”  
  
“It was good,” Jihoon says immediately, turns his head to look up at Seokmin and grins. “Better than I expected.”  
  
Seokmin double takes, glances up quickly before he looks at him with a serious expression that makes Jihoon laugh and shove at Seokmin’s chest. “I’m kidding,” he says through his chuckles, “you were really good, amazing.”  
  
Seokmin scrunches his nose at him before he laughs too. He looks radiant to Jihoon right now, bright with the adrenaline and energy of coming off stage, his stark makeup emphasizing all of Seokmin’s sharper features, like the cut of his cheekbones and the angle of his jaw.  
  
He introduces Jihoon to most of his co-stars, they have their manager take pictures of them together, and then Jihoon stays behind to chat with one of the other actors while he waits for Seokmin to change out of his costume.  
  
Jihoon is glad he was able to come support Seokmin, but it’s fun too. They can’t stop joking with each other on their way out, ducking their heads to giggle at each other.  
  
Seokmin keeps offering Jihoon his arm as they walk out of the building like he’s courting him, and it makes Jihoon laugh even though he’s embarrassed. They come out to a packed crowd of fans waiting to see them and are escorted back to their car by their manager and some security guards. Seokmin tries his best to wave as they make their way through the parted crowd, but it’s hard to while they’re being hurried along. Jihoon keeps behind Seokmin, grabs onto his shoulders and keeps his face behind Seokmin’s back until they reach their car and slip in.  
  
“I don’t know how tired you are,” Jihoon starts when they finally have some semblance of privacy in the backseat of their car, “but we can do whatever you want tonight.”  
  
“I think I’d like to just go home and we can order in and have dinner together? Did you eat before coming?” Seokmin asks as he puts on his seatbelt and turns his head to look at Jihoon.  
  
“No, I thought you might want to eat now so I waited,” Jihoon tells him, shaking his head. They don’t usually eat a lot before their own shows, so Jihoon isn’t surprised to hear Seokmin wants to eat now. He puts on his seatbelt on as well and takes out his phone. “What do you want to eat? I’ll order anything you want.”  
  
Their driver starts to pull out of the parking garage and into the road. Seokmin doesn’t say anything at first, but when Jihoon turns to look at him, Seokmin’s head is resting against the back of the seat and he’s smiling the sweet, dopey smile he pulls on Jihoon when he wants him to do something. “You know what I want,” he says in a low tone, like he’s plotting with him. Jihoon blinks and stares at his boyfriend for another moment.  
  
“Oh,” he realizes, amused and unable to avoid the smile playing at his lips. “You want pepperoni?”  
  
“And that crust stuffed with cheese?”  
  
“Okay,” Jihoon laughs as he taps around his phone to place the order. He doesn’t look away from his phone, but he can still see the way Seokmin stares at him from his peripheral, with his cheek against the headrest and a wide smile on his face, eyes sweet and bright, warmth and fondness pouring from him like melted caramel. Jihoon knows that look very well, knows that if it weren’t for their driver, Seokmin would probably do something ridiculous to go with the smile, like kiss Jihoon on the cheek, or snuggle up to him while he puts the order in. The thought of it makes Jihoon shy and wistful, wishing they really were all alone.  
  
Jihoon has their food delivered to their dorm, and it’s so close to arriving at the building by the time their car drops them off at the door that they decide to wait together for it downstairs.  
  
In a few minutes, they’re sitting down on Seokmin’s bedroom floor with paper plates and cups of soda and water while they eat and talk.  
  
“I thought you did really well,” Jihoon is saying even as he’s biting off a corner of crust from his pizza, “but how are you feeling about the performances?”  
  
Seokmin nods to himself, chewing the food in his mouth before he talks. “Fine. I’m not on for each and every showing they’re putting on, so I feel like I have time to practice and rehearse between each performance, but it’s like. If we’re really busy the day before or I don’t get to sleep well the night before, I don’t feel as prepared and I start to wonder if I’m doing the best I can.”  
  
Jihoon patiently listens, then nods in understanding. “We’ve been busy preparing for the next album, you have a lot to juggle between.”  
  
“I mean, I can handle it,” Seokmin says quickly with a wild gesture of his hand.  
  
“I know you can,” Jihoon says kindly, nodding. “It doesn’t mean it’s not hard, though. You’re allowed to think it’s hard even when you’re putting in a lot of effort to do well.”  
  
Seokmin looks at him steadily as he sighs deeply, then nods. “Thanks. That’s good advice to hear.”  
  
Jihoon tilts his head in Seokmin’s direction as he smiles smugly and makes Seokmin laugh.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin starts, “you didn’t tell me, what did you like from the show?”  
  
“Oh,” Jihoon coos in a deep tone as he picks up his soda. “I liked you,” he starts and looks up to see the way Seokmin grins at him. “And I liked the song you guys did together right before the intermission, that was my favorite one. I thought it had a good ending, too.”  
  
Seokmin nods, then shakes his head as he watches Jihoon with fond eyes.  
  
They talk until they run out of food, and even a little after that. They stuff their plates and utensils inside the empty pizza box and Seokmin offers to take it down to the trash while Jihoon gets ready for bed first.  
  
When he steps out of the bathroom, Seokmin is already changing into different clothes for bed. Jihoon leaves the bathroom door open for him and sits on the edge of the bed until Seokmin steps in the bathroom and closes the door behind him, then immediately gets up and starts muttering nonsensical things under his breath while he takes the shirt Seokmin just took off from the back of his desk chair and changes into it for bed.  
  
He takes one quick, embarrassing moment to hug his arms around himself and appreciate the way Seokmin’s shirt falls around his thighs and how the baggy sleeves go past his elbows and fit loose around his shoulders.  
  
He scrolls through some messages and notifications on his phone before plugging it in to charge for the night. When he starts taking off his ring and wrist watch, Jihoon hears the bathroom door open again. He listens to the quiet sound of Seokmin’s footsteps as he sets his jewelry down on Seokmin’s dresser, then smiles faintly when he feels Seokmin’s arms slip around his waist.  
  
“Hyung,” Seokmin says as he rests his forehead on Jihoon’s shoulder, “I’m gonna keep you forever.”  
  
Jihoon feels warm and content, and he laughs softly as he rests his hands over Seokmin’s arms. “You’re gonna keep me?”  
  
“Yeah,” Seokmin mumbles faintly and nods his head against Jihoon’s shoulder. “You’re so nice and good and I really love being around you, so I’m just going to keep you forever.”  
  
Jihoon feels the smile on his face spread at Seokmin’s words. A sort of warm pride blooms in his chest at the way Seokmin calls him _good_ and he lingers on it, stores the praise away for a day when he’ll need to hear it. He turns his head just enough to kiss Seokmin’s head and leans back against his chest, but he doesn’t try to untangle Seokmin from him so they can go to bed, content to stand there with Seokmin wrapped around him.  
  
“Okay,” Jihoon says softly, “I’ll allow it, then.”  
  
Seokmin makes a low, petulant sound in the back of this throat. He gets in these moods sometimes where he’s quietly possessive and needy and Jihoon’s never said anything for worry it might make Seokmin embarrassed, but he loves them, finds Seokmin endearingly adorable in times like this, knows Seokmin has him wrapped around his pinky finger when he gets like this, that he’d give Seokmin anything he wanted without hesitation.  
  
“I wanna tuck you in my pocket and take you everywhere with me and I’ll always take good care of you,” Seokmin mumbles again and Jihoon laughs at him, surprised and fond.  
  
“What is that?” he breathes. “Is that a dig at my height? You shouldn’t tease people about things like that, Dokyeom-ah.”  
  
“I’m not teasing you,” Seokmin says defensively. He lifts his head and hooks his chin over Jihoon’s shoulder.  
  
“Because you know there’s nothing I can do about that, right? You’ve seen my parents, and I’m already in my twenties, all my growth-spurts are done.” Jihoon keeps his tone playful and soft and doesn’t stop running his hands up and down the length of Seokmin’s forearms.  
  
“Not teasing you,” Seokmin repeats. Jihoon can hear the pout in his voice without having to turn and see his face. “I love you just the way you are.”  
  
Jihoon’s heart is weak and full of warmth for Seokmin, feels like if you tapped into his veins, he’d drip sweet syrup like a maple tree. He finally turns in Seokmin’s arms, careful to not unhook Seokmin’s arms from around his waist.  
  
Seokmin’s cheeks are warm when Jihoon gently cradles his face in his hands, before he drops them to Seokmin’s broad shoulders and tilts his head back to find Seokmin’s gaze. His eyes are dazed and his lips jut out in a faint pout that makes Jihoon want to kiss him, so he does, quick and light.  
  
“Wow, you _love_ me? That’s a pretty big deal,” Jihoon gasps quietly, teasing in the way he pretends to be shocked.  
  
Seokmin presses the palms of his hands against the span of Jihoon’s back and hugs him closer to his chest. It puts them too close for Jihoon to focus on Seokmin’s face, but then Seokmin buries his face against the length of his neck and Jihoon goes weak in the knees.  
  
“It’s worse than you think,” Seokmin says softly. Jihoon can feel the way the cupid’s bow over his top lip moves against his skin. “I love you _so much_ .”  
  
“Oh dear,” Jihoon whispers and then tsks his tongue as he scratches his nails through the hair at the back of Seokmin’s neck, “that is more than I first suspected. What should I do?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Seokmin mumbles, “I was hoping you’d accept my heart and return my feelings.”  
  
Jihoon thinks only Seokmin could say things like that unironically, but he loves him for it, smiles and nods without a pause.  
  
“Deal,” he says.  
  
It’s slow and fuzzy, the way they fall into bed. Jihoon had thought Seokmin would be tired tonight and that he’d fall asleep quickly, but he can’t keep his hands off Jihoon, stays soft and needy but desperate. He’s a breathless, whining mess until Jihoon takes over and takes care of him, and his expression turns dazed as he blushes from the apples of his cheek to the top of his neck. Afterwards, he still doesn’t let Jihoon go too far, fits himself against the front of Jihoon’s body so he has no choice but to hold Seokmin close and it’s all so, so sweet.  
  
  
  
  
 **2020  
** ******  
**The new year comes around sooner than they all expect it to and it doesn’t take long for it to bring a lot of changes.  
  
Their tour ends earlier than they had planned, which they understand is the best thing for everyone’s well-being, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less saddening.  
  
Seungcheol returns from his break in early March with just enough time to prepare and join them for their Japanese comeback schedule, but more importantly, he returns from his break with a much happier disposition, a more relaxed set to his shoulders Jihoon never knew was missing until he saw it. He’s rounder in the cheeks and when they all sit down together to welcome back their leader, Seungcheol tells them how good the break was for him even though he missed them so much and wished they were together, how he knows that even though they’ll always encounter hardships, he hopes they’ll always overcome them together, and it’s so noble and so much like him.  
  
Though not impossible, it was difficult to make do without their leader, and Jihoon is glad to have him back, but even happier to see how well Seungcheol is doing.  
  
The announcement hasn’t properly been made yet, but the members already know about their company being acquired by another. By mid-March, they’re added on Weverse as an artist and they make use of one the breaks they take from practicing for their comeback to learn how the app works.  
  
They sit around the practice room together logging in from their phones and blowing up the app with notifications, and it’s fun. Some of them post as much as they can before they even learn to change their display names while other members lean over each other’s shoulders, asking questions about how to post and how to add more than one picture to a post.  
  
Jihoon is trying to keep up with all the notifications popping up at the top of his phone when Seokmin moves to sit closer to him. He leans his cheek against the top of Jihoon’s hat and when he notices Seokmin raise his phone, he reflexively looks up and right into the camera.  
  
Seokmin giggles after he takes the picture and holds his phone close to him in a direction where Jihoon can’t see what he’s doing while he taps around the screen, though he has somewhat of an idea. Still, he stares at Seokmin expectantly until his phone buzzes in his hand with another notification from Weverse, Seokmin’s name flashing across the screen, and instantly swipes it open.  
  
It’s the selfie Seokmin just took of them, Jihoon calmly taken off-guard, captioned _Woozi is mine_ .  
  
He can hear Minghao make a surprised noise from beside him and Jihoon frowns in annoyance as he reaches over to shove Seokmin away, then goes on Weverse so that everyone has to see him tell Seokmin to _go away_ .  
  
Seokmin is still laughing next to him, even as he goes in to leave a comment on his post. The next notification banner Jihoon gets has _Woozi is mine_ with pink hearts next to it in place of Seokmin’s name.  
  
This will probably be endearing and sweet when Jihoon thinks about it some time later, but for now, his immediate reaction is to be embarrassed and afronted, so he shoves at Seokmin’s shoulder again and makes a loud complaining noise.  
  
“Shut _up_ ,” Jihoon says loudly as he repeatedly smacks Seokmin’s arm. He doesn’t hit him very hard, but Seokmin lets him hit him as much as he wants either way, grinning and laughing in Jihoon’s direction as bright and charmingly as ever.  
  
Jihoon makes another annoyed sound when he’s satisfied, shaking his head and muttering at his phone. “So embarrassing,” he complains, shaking his head, “first day and you’re already doing stuff like this.”  
  
Seokmin laughs soft and high, moves to lean his head on Jihoon’s shoulder. “Hyung,” he starts and Jihoon can see from his peripheral the way he looks up at him from under his lashes. “It’s okay, because you like me, right?”  
  
Jihoon scrunches his face up in disgust and waves Seokmin away with his hand, but he still nods in undeniable agreement because it’s true, no matter how much he complains and pretends he hates it, he’ll still let Seokmin get away with almost anything and will still save the selfie he took of them to his camera roll.  
  
“Go away,” Jihoon says anyway, lifting his shoulder to get Seokmin off him, though his boyfriend is still cheerful and sweet, still watches Jihoon with warm eyes as he smiles brightly and the gesture slips right past Jihoon’s embarrassment and settles in his heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
By April, they’ve already started working on their next mini-album. They’re putting a lot of effort and energy into this album, spending a lot of time choosing the songs they want to use and the messages they want to convey. A couple of the other members have been coming to Jihoon’s studio more frequently for longer periods of time to help him work on lyrics and produce the music and Jihoon appreciates it. It’s not the first time, of course, but he always enjoys making music with his members and likes how the result can feel like a more collective and inclusive product.  
  
He comes back to the dorm by himself a little late. He’s been sleeping in his studio for a few nights in a row and, honestly, the only thing Jihoon has been thinking about for most of the day is sleeping in his own bed, but with Seokmin.  
  
He isn’t sure whether Seokmin is awake or asleep, hasn’t messaged him for a few hours, so he calls him before he starts to get ready for bed in case he’s close to missing him. Fortunately for Jihoon, Seokmin picks up after the first ring.  
  
“Hello,” Seokmin says, in a different tone than the one he usually uses when Jihoon calls him, sounds a little tentative and makes Jihoon pause.  
  
“Dokyeomie?” he says back, equally hesitant.  
  
“Woozi-hyung?” Seokmin answers with a new tone and Jihoon realizes Seokmin didn’t know it was him.  
  
“Yeah,” he says quickly, “what are you doing?”  
  
“I’m on _To Your Ears_ ,” Seokmin responds. Jihoon makes an understanding face, even if Seokmin can’t see him, quickly remembering _Dokyeom’s Late Night Bookstore._  
  
“Oh, you are?” he says and Seokmin immediately hums through the line.  
  
“What’s up, hyung?”  
  
“Nothing,” Jihoon hums, “just got back from the studio.”  
  
“Right” Seokmin drags it out in realization. “Will you say hi to fans?” Seokmin asks, which makes Jihoon pause and laugh before he agrees, “hang on. Now you may go.”  
  
“Carats, hello,” he coos, then immediately laughs, both from embarrassment at being put on the spot and amused at Seokmin’s formal tone.  
  
“Hello,” Seokmin says back brightly as he laughs.  
  
Jihoon giggles again, shy and already deciding he doesn’t like it. “Then, Dokyeom-ah, I’ll call you later.”  
  
“Oh,” Seokmin starts, “why did you call me?”  
  
“Uh,” Jihoon pauses, carelessly having forgotten why he was calling in the first place, then quickly realizing he can’t say it now that he’s on speaker phone. “Ah, there was something.”  
  
“Oh,” Seokmin says, dragging it out in understanding, “I see, okay.”  
  
“Carats, bye!” Jihoon says quickly and laughs with Seokmin before he hangs up the phone.  
  
Just as soon as he hangs up, Jihoon starts to miss Seokmin and regrets hanging up, even if he can’t talk to him the way he usually would while on livestream.  
  
Jihoon sighs deeply and sets his phone down as he absently looks around his room. He’s pretty tired, but he still wants to wait and see if Seokmin will come sleep in his room tonight, especially now that hearing his voice and the sound of his laugh over the phone made him feel warm and tender inside and then just as quickly filled him with gentle longing after he hung up.  
  
He’s not sure how long Seokmin has been on Vlive for, realizes he could have asked before he hung up, but he decides to shower and get ready for bed while he waits for him to be done, anyway, to kill time if nothing else.  
  
Showering and properly drying his hair takes him about twenty minutes, but Seokmin is still live when Jihoon checks, so he brushes his teeth as well and decides to lay down and listen to Seokmin’s broadcast until he’s done.  
  
Seokmin is in the middle of reading something from a book when Jihoon turns it on, he can tell by the sound of a page flipping over and the way Seokmin hums at the end of lines. His tone is polite, sweet, and his voice is smooth and clear. He’s kind and gentle when he talks to fans, the way he’s kind and gentle with everyone, and he patiently reads through their comments and picks out random ones to answer back to.  
  
Jihoon knows he’s not the only one who thinks so, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s convinced Seokmin is the nicest person in the world. Hearing the way he talks to their Carats over the live makes something ease in Jihoon’s chest, an ache that softens when he thinks of Seokmin’s kind heart. He enjoys being at the receiving end of Seokmin’s gentleness, but listening to him give the same treatment to others fills Jihoon with an easy feeling of pride.  
  
Staying awake for the next half hour Seokmin spends on VLive isn’t hard because Jihoon is interested in what Seokmin has to say and actually takes some of his words personally and keeps them close to his heart, but he’s still relieved when Seokmin says his final goodbye to their fans and ends the livestream.  
  
 **Dokyeomie** **_  
_** _Hyung_ _  
__Just finished_ _  
__I’ll come to you, okay?_ _  
__  
_The messages fly in one after the other a few minutes after Seokmin’s live ends. Jihoon sends a heart sticker back as a response.  
  
It’s not long before his door quietly clicks open and Seokmin carefully slips in, looking up as he closes the door behind him.  
  
Jihoon immediately puts his phone down and makes grabby hands at Seokmin, who bursts into a grin and takes his goddamn sweet time laying down on top of Jihoon, his head on his chest and a one leg slipped between both of Jihoon’s, arms rested at Jihoon’s sides.  
  
Like magic, it immediately makes Jihoon feel better, makes him forget about all the things he still has to do and about the ache in his heart.  
  
“Were you waiting for me?” Seokmin asks as Jihoon wraps both of his arms around Seokmin’s shoulders.  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon nods and hums, “but I was listening on VLive, so it went by quickly.”  
  
“You listened?” Seokmin asks, turning his head to rest his chin on Jihoon’s chest and smiling at him warmly. Jihoon nods.  
  
“After I showered and stuff. Did you already do all your before bed stuff?”  
  
Seokmin hums and nods. “Did it all before the live so I could go to bed after.”  
  
“Sleep here tonight,” Jihoon says quickly, meets Seokmin’s eyes as he reaches down to brush Seokmin’s hair away from his face. He watches, pleased, as Seokmin leans into the touch, his eyes briefly fluttering close.  
  
“Okay,” he says easily, turning his head to rest his ear against Seokmin’s chest again. “Did you get a lot done tonight?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon nods and keeps his fingers in Seokmin’s hair, scratches his fingernails through the hair near Seokmin’s ear. “Wonwoo-yah came by earlier tonight and finished writing some lyrics with me for one of the songs we chose. I started the vocal guide, but I wanna run some stuff by Bumzu-hyung to see what he thinks before I keep going.”  
  
“That’s nice,” Seokmin says earnestly in a soft voice, “I can’t wait to hear it.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jihoon hums, “what’d you do this afternoon? I haven’t talked to you since this morning, have I?”  
  
“Just the usual stuff,” Seokmin starts, “I worked out with Seungkwanie after lunch and then we went to the practice room in the office to work on some stuff with Dino-yah. Had dinner and watched an episode of a drama with Hoshi-hyung. Hyung, did you eat?” Jihoon can see the way Seokmin’s face changes into something more attentive, eyes a little wide, and it makes him smile.  
  
“Wonwoo and I ordered food to the studio,” Jihoon assures him and pets his hair affectionately.  
  
“Good,” Seokmin says before he eases again, just like a little soldier who’s only task is to take care of Jihoon, and the thought makes Jihoon laugh softly, fondly.  
  
They’re quiet for a while, and Jihoon thinks about how content and calm he feels now.  
  
They each have their own rooms now, so they both have a drawer in the other’s room where they keep extra clothes and a second pair of things they use on a regular basis. Seokmin still comes to his studio when he misses him. Sometimes he sits in silence for hours while Jihoon works and other times he pesters him at his desk and does little things to catch his attention, like rub the back of his neck where Jihoon carries stress, or put his hand on Jihoon’s thigh and squeeze gently when he wants Jihoon to talk to him, but he only when he can tell Jihoon needs a break but is too stubborn to pull away from his work.  
  
They try to eat together as often as they can, even if it’s just one meal every few days. Jihoon doesn’t have to convince Seokmin to eat with him at dawn when he can’t sleep anymore, because now he knows all it takes for Seokmin to do whatever he asks is to sweetly smile at him, or to press light, fluttering kisses at the underside of Seokmin’s jaw.  
  
They sleep in each other’s rooms a lot, though Jihoon still sleeps in his studio out of convenience often, and there are times when they’re both too tired to remember asking, or nights when they need the space to be alone, and it’s always fine and easy between them, they know each other well enough to communicate without hurting each other.  
  
As it turns out, Jihoon has come to realize that being in love with someone he was already friends with is actually nice. He and Seokmin have been together for almost two years now, but Jihoon often forgets it hasn’t been longer than that. Already trusting each other made it so that communicating in their relationship is easy, effortless. Seokmin knows all of Jihoon’s worst habits and has seen him during some of his ugliest moments, when he’s stressed and sleepless and not very pleasant to be around, and he’s never made Jihoon feel sorry or ashamed for it.  
  
Jihoon knows about the sensitive places in Seokmin’s heart and how to gently soothe them even when Seokmin doesn’t like to talk about them, knows that there are a lot of things Seokmin won’t say aloud and has learned to be patient and understand what Seokmin _does_ say without words.  
  
They’ve learned to make it work in a way that’s perfect for them, and Jihoon wouldn’t change it for the world. He already can’t imagine his life without any of his members, wants to be together with them doing what they love for a long time, but now, he also can’t imagine not being with Seokmin the way he is now.  
  
“Tired?” Seokmin mumbles quietly when Jihoon is quiet for a long time. Jihoon nods before he realizes Seokmin can’t see it from where he’s lying.  
  
“Yeah. I’m exhausted, but I wanted to wait for you. Will you shut the light off for me?” he asks just as quietly. Seokmin nods and gently extracts himself from Jihoon, walks across the room to flip the light switch, then comes back and lifts the other end of the covers to join Jihoon.  
  
He finds Jihoon’s lips in the dark, places a tender kiss on his lips before he turns his back to Jihoon and snuggles back against his chest.  
  
Jihoon wraps an arm around Seokmin’s torso and tucks his leg over Seokmin’s thigh. It doesn’t take long for him to drift off, and he falls asleep with the clean smell of Seokmin’s hair in his nose and his hand over Seokmin’s heart.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lyricistjihoon) !


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